The day that we first met

2009-12-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

Dearest you ,
Happy Bday and I love you .

2009-12-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry
I'm still sorry
And I'll still be sorry for the rest of my life to you

These words , I don't know how to say them out
But silently in my heart , I'm praying you're doing fine

2009-12-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

Kill

Ok , life has been a normal routine for me . I really don't feel like blogging .

Isn't it how I wanted things to be ?

2009-11-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Bday , V !

Luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

2009-11-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

Release

I think I'm back to my blogging 'spirit' and I've decided to include one more reader into my blog . I'm not going to say names , but anw welcome you ! Hehe , I think my blog will truly reflect what kind of person I really am , so yeah just read on to find out more . I haven't been talking much lately at home and I hate it . Sometimes I question myself what's the true meaning of home . I'm not that ass-dumb to not realise how lucky I've been but its just this tingling feeling I mean like I know i'm lazy and messy but I'm trying my best ok maybe not v best but still trying to change . I'm not a saint , I do have flaws and all so pls give me time . So the thing is since ytd onwards my mum and I fought , its I think our first serious one becos she has not come towards me to talk to me first like what she has always done . I'm not talking to her too , simply becos I don't think I'm wrong and damn I hate to admit this but I want my so-called pride . She's being unreasonable here and I don't think I should give in . Also we had a mini argument just like just saying what she says she's v v v v v v v v ( she really did say very a lot of times ) sad that I'm like ____ for v's bday and I never ____ for anyone or her before . Damn v , I hope you read this soon and feel honoured ok seriously . I feel like crying now whenever she glared and stared at me as if i'm some kind of freak but I held my tears back as usual and quesioned her ' What else do you want from me ? ' Its hurting me so crazily becos she's my mum but I guess she still think I'm a kid who's just throwing tantrums . I'm just going to see how long this kind of situation and conversation would last .

Enough about my mother becos its runining my whole entire mood . I've joined danceeeeeeeeee today ! I need to apologise to maureen for being late becos of my mother again and I'm so glad to dance again . It was awesome , I was surprised to c some of my school mates there also hehehehe ! Anw ok I've to do up v's bday present ! Ps I'm trying to hit my own target of finishing new moon in 1 day's time !!!!!!!!!!! :> Wish me luck hehe

I thought it was over , but why does my heart still ache ?

2009-11-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

Dehydrated

Lately I feel that I haven't been myself . Also I've lost the interest to blog and I wonder how . I'm so tired but I still have to complete the stuffs in which I'm supposed to do . This project's deadline is on monday and I'm rather unlucky to have sofea isak as my ONLY team-mate. Aiya this is damn seriously damn ...

I fucking don't know why some girls can be so damn pretty and hot , damn .

I'm back to the same destination

2009-11-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've been spending a lot of money recently . Now I can't wait for dance to start on sunday becos at least I've some kind of goal and aim to head towards to . I'm like screaming on my msn pm to ask sofea isak to come online . I've many things to start , do and complete . Some in which I've not even started . I don't know why I feel like as if I'm being cheated out of something in which I don't know again but I swear if you mess w me you're going to be v fucking sorry . I'm going to be v quiet tmr cos I know its going to suck like real bad . I miss hanging out w people like stacy , sofea and val . I haven't been out w them since a week and it sucks so bad I've so much to say . I just spent 6 bucks on bread I feel as if I'm wasting money , aiya why did I act cool freakkkk . I'm v scared this is karma again , I pray its not . And now I feel like i'm being lost again , lost in this world . But whatever it is , you can hate me to the core , talk behind my back , say about all the shit loads things about me but don't fucking meddle into my life cos you'll fucking regret it , I swear . Here are some pixs :

2009-11-26T05:18:00.001-08:00

Why did I screw up my damn hair omg

2009-11-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry

2009-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

You

I think my blog's in a mess , exactly the same feeling I'm feeling right now . This time round I've so much to think but nothing to say . I know I'm just confused and scared . I woke up today at 10 plus becos my father woke me up w his voom voom vacuum cleaner , I'm getting out of the house soon to meet crazyman's MAID and then probably off to visit my grandmother. I haven't seen her in ages though I heard things from my mum which are worrying , I hope she's just alright . I hope . My throat's feeling pain , my voice seemed weird I hope its not throat infection pls ~ I need to do a lot of things this week , and I can't wait - I miss v so much so v if you c this pls pls pls pls give me a call immediately we need updates !!!!!!!!! Hehehehe

And now I always have a paragraph allocated just for you :
I don't know what else to say to you except I feel sorry . I want to say words , I want to tell you how exactly I feel but somehow I can't . I'm wary and it seemed as though I've lose trust and hope in such things . I have always prevented myself by deceiving myself or to allow myself to hide in my so called shell . Over the years and the pain which gradually build up , you can never imagine how painful and hurtful it will be . However this is different , I know . And I hope it will be different forever ~

I'm yours

2009-11-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

Erase

I'm sorry I haven't been updating much lately , hehehe . I was busy like really busy and thus whenever I reached home its either alr late at night or else I'm too tired to blog . Life has been really interesting lately , I think things are falling into the right place . However I've this unsettling uneasy feeling about everything . I spent almost all my time w my bf(s) as well as in red camp . And I can't describe in words how awesome this camp was . I had so much fun exploring the many diff courses , I had my time to bond w the other people in my group as well as to make new friends , I spent my time partying away - dancing . It's so damn fun , freaking fun and I can't wait to meet up w the people again !!!!! I'll let the pixs do the talking cos there would be too much things to say ...

Also , I've allow one friend to have access to my blog so welcome heidi ! Hehehehe : > I've to mention that people who I gave my blog add to them are people who are v close to me so yeah just welcome ! : >

Lastly , I really dislike how I'm feeling right now cos it's kinda like a hide-and-seek game .I always hated it cos I'm the one searching . Searching for what ? I can't answer this question too , it's complicated ( hehehehehehe )

Ps I hope you're real

2009-11-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

Countless

I decided to blog becos Idk why also . I just feel like it . O's are finally over , I think my studying life is coming to an end also . Btw I think I'm seriously not sane right now so pls don't mind . I want and need to sleep right now but something is stopping me . I hope I'm not so silly again . I won't believe in yr trickery , I won't allow myself to fall into the same trap over and over again . And that's becos I don't want to stand up alone getting bruises all over myself . I think I'm seriously not sane , I don't even know what am I saying . Life's going to be perfect , I hope and I guess .

I had it coming , I had it coming

2009-11-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

Taken

Ok sorry guys I said I'll blog ytd but I didn't I was too tired . I spend my ytd at v's house w cody . I'm sorry if initially you've to be locked inside the kitchen ok hehehehe in any way , you're still as adorable . I woke up at nine , didn't bother to dress up or anything and hurriedly went to v's house . She picked me up at the mrt station and we walked around her neighbourhood . I love her neighbourhood ok , it's fascinating mainly due to I guess there's two pasar malam(s) there , a million coffee houses , many bubble tea shops , and freaking a lot of things . I bought cheap stickers from the pasar malam !!! If I could I would buy the entire pasar malam down . So while we were walking non-stop cos we wanted to get food , then I asked her ' Eh v , is it like ave 3 or ave 6 alr ? ' Cos it seemed we walked through the entire forest alr ok , then she gave me the face and told me its still the same ave . I really wonder how did they even like 'branch' out a certain area to be like ave 1 , ave 2 , ave 3 and so on . I guess Queenstown's really small then . I planned to study at her house but it was of no use , we watched tv or rather mostly me , I watched memoirs of a geisha and so on , then we brought cody down to play he's damn cute he chewed a chicken bone and v freaked out and previously he used to be scared of cats ( what a dog ) . I had the privilege to hold onto his lesh as tight as possible while he criss-cross . I imagined myself holding tight to chin-chow and giving him commands so cute ~ And I probably have to wait for many years AIYA . Ok , so v took quite a long time to bathe him while serving him his dinner . I was watching memoirs of a geisha throughout . Now I know why books are so much better . O I stepped on dog shit which was ew and o we sang songs and all hehehehehehehehehehe it was v fun . O plus we watched some dumpling show wah that one was freaking funny and ridiculous . I can't really remember what other things we did cos I guess I was carried away most of the time on the net . On the way back home , I screwed v's plan by shouting ' HI GOR ! ' while she was on the phone w her bro , you should have seen her face when she blamed me for screwing up her perfect plan . I couldn't help it but laugh all the way back on the mrt train . When I reached home , I was as dead as a block of wood after I watched Sing Idol , I went to sleep .

Today's not going to be so slack becos I want to make notes for my chem and revise all my other shitified chem stuffs . I haven't been even flipping through any stuffs recently so I pray that I'll be able to remember all those rubbish . After this post , I promise I'll be real good by studying chem the whole day till probably at night after which I'm going to have a gd night sleep and pressed my ass against the chair for one hour or so for the exam and then after which is my release from my torture and horror ~ I can't wait , I can't wait . Stupid dental , I've it tmr damn it . I hope I'm able to change my dental appt or I'll have to go alone . And I'm damn broke I only left ten bucks to spend tmr screw it ~

I'm fearful to find out my heart was all along w you

2009-11-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

Dearest

Hehehehehe hi people I'm at v's house right now !!!! She's bathing and so I'm just lazing around . Luckily she asked me to go to her house cos if not I wouldn't know what to do at home to . I'm bored to the max
talk to you later !

2009-11-10T05:26:00.000-08:00

Absorb

Today was fun , exciting , thrilling . I'm beginning to enjoy v simple things in life to allow to know what I really want now . I realised how much I couldn't live without hearing my brother screaming , my mum's nagging , myself scolding my sis . I can't believe I'm saying this but I think home is the best place to be in , at least I don't feel scared and weird . I like today a lot becos time passed real fast . I don't know how much fun I had but it was amazing . I'm still enertaining myself w nothing but books becos it makes me really happy as for now . Ok I've a lot to post but suddenly I just lost it . I'm v busy at night as usual ~ So luv yguys !

To you :
I said I'll blog smt for you becos you make me v happy heheheh ~ Love you so damn much ok even though I don't know if you will be able to see this or not . And I can't wait for more fun and laughter w you ! : >

2009-11-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

Charge

I realised I haven't been blogging much these few weeks . I hope I'll start to blog often again which I highly doubt so . But whatever it is , I would like to say how excited I am for tmr . Tmr seemed to be the start of my release from whatever it is and I'm determined to make things right or at least seemed right . I'll put on a bright smile on my face and wear a presentable outfit and strolled slowly to the destination . Besides , my bro made us v proud of him today . He aced his subjects all of it w the highest score of 80 percent for some subjects . I saw my mum's face lit up just like how a candle is being lit up by a match-stick when I was asked to tell her the percentage using my detestable ugliest calculator. I certainly do recognise that smile as it was familiar to me when I scored an A1 for Chinese . Staring at her face intently, I realised she should have smile harder becos she wouldn't be able to smile like this a few months later .

This para is to kris and I hope you do see it :
Happy Bday , I'm sorry I didn't msg on ytd as I had other stuffs on . I've written everything I want to say to you ytd on that bday letter of mine . I'm so glad I gave it to you like 2 months earlier as I knew I would somehow forget . And thus here's wishing you happy bday again and I love you so much , even till now .

Now now , look at her she's glowing .

2009-11-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

Action

There are times in which I tried to delete my blog . But it failed . I can't bring myself to do it even when I really hate the way things are or detest myself so much , I can no longer hide . And thus , I'm keeping this blog for now at least . Ok , I still have one more paper to go which is chem p1 . I keep my fingers cross the last paper would be really cool so yupp . And right now , I'm going to be on the com 24/7 becos I want to plan stuffs for my hols . I don't want it to be ridiculously stupid and wasting all of my time away and so I'm going to make it really enriching . Let's start from the things in which I've been dying and wanting to do in all my life . Perhaps things like dance , learning a new language or trying to lose 10 kg would be a great way to start w. Besides I say this will be new , new . I'm going to forget all those fucked up unpleasant stuffs . I can't wait , I can't wait ~

Sorry , blame it on pms

2009-11-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

And

I thought I would be somebody , somebody whom I didn't know

In the end , I questioned myself , again

2009-10-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

How could I tell you

2009-10-29T20:16:00.001-07:00

Fragile

I'm not going to blog a lot , all I want to say is thankyou , thankyou for sending me a gift filled w nothing but yr sincerity and love , thankyou for always being there for me so when I break down like fuck I know who to turn to , thankyou for blogging on yr blogs to encourage me to continue this journey becos yguys would be w me mentally , thankyou for letting me know I'm not alone through this period

Thanks for not letting me die earlier

This post is to valencia , sofea , my mum , my sis , my father , my bro and to all the people who care and love me

2009-10-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hysterical

My nightmare , finally came . I don't know how am I supposed to feel. This has been a torturing period for me and I hope this week will pass as quickly as possible . Some of my friends are feeling scared and unprepared whereas some of my other friends are taking it easy . I can't seemed to sleep last night and I woke up very early today . I'm not hungry as usual which is surprising. And this is crap seriously . I thank all for wishing me gd luck for olevels , becos I totally need luck for every subject . On the other hand , I find myself so foolish for not realizing a lot of things earlier . Why didn't I buck up beforehand , why didn't I this , why didn't I that . Also I didn't realise that my mother has placed confidence in me . She had sleepless nights w me , she cooked for me my favourite dish last night , she brought me to the temple to calm my nerves etc . It's scary when I hugged her last night and told her I didn't want all these anymore , I don't want my grades , I don't want to go for my olevels , I don't want to study , I don't want anything . Then she said ' Nothing is free ' . You want it , you exchanged something for it.

So now , I hope while I blogged this I will feel a little happier , a little more relax cos I know everything has got to do w my nerves . I don't want to freak out later , I don't want to cry or scream or anything else . All I want to do is to bring my mother's words and love into the examination hall . Becos I know that's my only weapon to defeat all and obtain victory right now . I can do it , Addy ! Why can't I when millions and thousands of people had sat for their olevels ? Why can't I do it when others can ? Why can't I just look forward to write my best piece of essay and situational writing for the old man in England to read ? I can , and I will . So even when later my heart pound so fast as if it's going to leapt out from my mouth , I'm going to take several deep breaths and just go for it .

Pls believe in yrself , pls don't give up , pls pls pls pls pls pls pls be strong .

2009-10-21T09:37:00.001-07:00

Possession

I was brushing my teeth just now . I was so sleepy and so I closed my eyes while polishing my teeth w my new neon green toothbrush . And when I opened my mouth to spit , I see red instead of white fluffy foamy Colgate . It's scary but it didn't hurt at all . Today I was waiting for my father to pick me up at some taxi-stand while an ang-moh was talking to me . I couldn't remember what he said but I heard myself saying ' Don't know lah , I don't know ! ' Hehehe , then in the car I related this weird incident to my family . My bro v cute he told me that if anyone asked for my name I must say its ' Billy ' . My mum laughed at this instant while I add on ' yeah I would also tell him my surname is Goat ' . Ok its lame , but somehow my family just kept laughing at this stupid joke . And sometimes , lame stuffs like this make me feel v blessed and happy .

I'm tired mentally not physically , I swear I could run 2.4 km right now hehehehe .

You don't mean a thing

2009-10-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Idiot

Fucking jealous , why did I fucking make such a stupid mistake . You don't deserve it , you don't deserve it so fucking return everything back to me damn ass . Bitch , who are you ?

Hands down

2009-10-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

2009-10-16T07:12:00.001-07:00

Backwards

I haven't finish or even started my math hw . And I hope I don't have to start it cos I freaking hate math to the max ( hehe , it rhymes ) ok whatever . Tuition was ok today . Before I know it , its 7 and time to go back home . I don't know if its fate or what but I keep seeing this guy as in I know he's from that tuition . But somehow I see him everywhere and , this is weird . Ok I promise I'm going to be real good , after blogging I'm going to start on my math . Saturday is going to be another boring day , tuition tuition tuition . But tuition is good , becos it keeps you going as in at least I won't be distracted . Other than that , I'm like stoning ok . As in ok I don't literally stone stone , but yeah I dream again and again . I wanna watch beauty and the geek !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My existence , don't you even realise ?

She sat on the floor , peering at the shattered glass. What was going to happen now ? How could things turn out to be like this ? Didn't he say he would love her forever ? She crumpled slowly to the floor , as her strength ebbed away slowly . She nodded her head in silence as she picked the shattered glass . Slowly and painfully , she pierced it in her flesh . She saw shades of crimson , she smiled .

Edited :

Ok and so I haven't start on my math. I was talking to val . I was actually feel quite .... until when I read our conversation again . I laughed .

I dont wanna be here alone says:
ps i dont know who you are talking about
Ever and After says:
yknow smt ,whenever i'm w you or sofea i will always feel so secure
when I'm always at my lowest , i wont hesitate to dial yr phone number or msg sofea
I dont wanna be here alone says:
ahha, cause you PUNCH in our numbers
Ever and After says:
cos I know whichever , even feeling yr presence I know i'm at ease
i'm talking about serious stuff , val
I dont wanna be here alone says:
okayy
Ever and After says:
i dont know if you guys ever feel this way
and its so not me to tell you this right now
I dont wanna be here alone says:
uh huh
Ever and After says:
but yeah i just did becos i dont know why also

Shit , I think I'm really dumb