The day that we first met

2009-12-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

Dearest you ,
Happy Bday and I love you .

2009-12-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry
I'm still sorry
And I'll still be sorry for the rest of my life to you

These words , I don't know how to say them out
But silently in my heart , I'm praying you're doing fine

2009-12-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

Kill

Ok , life has been a normal routine for me . I really don't feel like blogging .

Isn't it how I wanted things to be ?

2009-11-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Bday , V !

Luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

2009-11-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

Release

I think I'm back to my blogging 'spirit' and I've decided to include one more reader into my blog . I'm not going to say names , but anw welcome you ! Hehe , I think my blog will truly reflect what kind of person I really am , so yeah just read on to find out more . I haven't been talking much lately at home and I hate it . Sometimes I question myself what's the true meaning of home . I'm not that ass-dumb to not realise how lucky I've been but its just this tingling feeling I mean like I know i'm lazy and messy but I'm trying my best ok maybe not v best but still trying to change . I'm not a saint , I do have flaws and all so pls give me time . So the thing is since ytd onwards my mum and I fought , its I think our first serious one becos she has not come towards me to talk to me first like what she has always done . I'm not talking to her too , simply becos I don't think I'm wrong and damn I hate to admit this but I want my so-called pride . She's being unreasonable here and I don't think I should give in . Also we had a mini argument just like just saying what she says she's v v v v v v v v ( she really did say very a lot of times ) sad that I'm like ____ for v's bday and I never ____ for anyone or her before . Damn v , I hope you read this soon and feel honoured ok seriously . I feel like crying now whenever she glared and stared at me as if i'm some kind of freak but I held my tears back as usual and quesioned her ' What else do you want from me ? ' Its hurting me so crazily becos she's my mum but I guess she still think I'm a kid who's just throwing tantrums . I'm just going to see how long this kind of situation and conversation would last .

Enough about my mother becos its runining my whole entire mood . I've joined danceeeeeeeeee today ! I need to apologise to maureen for being late becos of my mother again and I'm so glad to dance again . It was awesome , I was surprised to c some of my school mates there also hehehehe ! Anw ok I've to do up v's bday present ! Ps I'm trying to hit my own target of finishing new moon in 1 day's time !!!!!!!!!!! :> Wish me luck hehe

I thought it was over , but why does my heart still ache ?

2009-11-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

Dehydrated

Lately I feel that I haven't been myself . Also I've lost the interest to blog and I wonder how . I'm so tired but I still have to complete the stuffs in which I'm supposed to do . This project's deadline is on monday and I'm rather unlucky to have sofea isak as my ONLY team-mate. Aiya this is damn seriously damn ...

I fucking don't know why some girls can be so damn pretty and hot , damn .

I'm back to the same destination

2009-11-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've been spending a lot of money recently . Now I can't wait for dance to start on sunday becos at least I've some kind of goal and aim to head towards to . I'm like screaming on my msn pm to ask sofea isak to come online . I've many things to start , do and complete . Some in which I've not even started . I don't know why I feel like as if I'm being cheated out of something in which I don't know again but I swear if you mess w me you're going to be v fucking sorry . I'm going to be v quiet tmr cos I know its going to suck like real bad . I miss hanging out w people like stacy , sofea and val . I haven't been out w them since a week and it sucks so bad I've so much to say . I just spent 6 bucks on bread I feel as if I'm wasting money , aiya why did I act cool freakkkk . I'm v scared this is karma again , I pray its not . And now I feel like i'm being lost again , lost in this world . But whatever it is , you can hate me to the core , talk behind my back , say about all the shit loads things about me but don't fucking meddle into my life cos you'll fucking regret it , I swear . Here are some pixs :

2009-11-26T05:18:00.001-08:00

Why did I screw up my damn hair omg

2009-11-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry

2009-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

You

I think my blog's in a mess , exactly the same feeling I'm feeling right now . This time round I've so much to think but nothing to say . I know I'm just confused and scared . I woke up today at 10 plus becos my father woke me up w his voom voom vacuum cleaner , I'm getting out of the house soon to meet crazyman's MAID and then probably off to visit my grandmother. I haven't seen her in ages though I heard things from my mum which are worrying , I hope she's just alright . I hope . My throat's feeling pain , my voice seemed weird I hope its not throat infection pls ~ I need to do a lot of things this week , and I can't wait - I miss v so much so v if you c this pls pls pls pls give me a call immediately we need updates !!!!!!!!! Hehehehe

And now I always have a paragraph allocated just for you :
I don't know what else to say to you except I feel sorry . I want to say words , I want to tell you how exactly I feel but somehow I can't . I'm wary and it seemed as though I've lose trust and hope in such things . I have always prevented myself by deceiving myself or to allow myself to hide in my so called shell . Over the years and the pain which gradually build up , you can never imagine how painful and hurtful it will be . However this is different , I know . And I hope it will be different forever ~

I'm yours

2009-11-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

Erase

I'm sorry I haven't been updating much lately , hehehe . I was busy like really busy and thus whenever I reached home its either alr late at night or else I'm too tired to blog . Life has been really interesting lately , I think things are falling into the right place . However I've this unsettling uneasy feeling about everything . I spent almost all my time w my bf(s) as well as in red camp . And I can't describe in words how awesome this camp was . I had so much fun exploring the many diff courses , I had my time to bond w the other people in my group as well as to make new friends , I spent my time partying away - dancing . It's so damn fun , freaking fun and I can't wait to meet up w the people again !!!!! I'll let the pixs do the talking cos there would be too much things to say ...

Also , I've allow one friend to have access to my blog so welcome heidi ! Hehehehe : > I've to mention that people who I gave my blog add to them are people who are v close to me so yeah just welcome ! : >

Lastly , I really dislike how I'm feeling right now cos it's kinda like a hide-and-seek game .I always hated it cos I'm the one searching . Searching for what ? I can't answer this question too , it's complicated ( hehehehehehe )

Ps I hope you're real

2009-11-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

Countless

I decided to blog becos Idk why also . I just feel like it . O's are finally over , I think my studying life is coming to an end also . Btw I think I'm seriously not sane right now so pls don't mind . I want and need to sleep right now but something is stopping me . I hope I'm not so silly again . I won't believe in yr trickery , I won't allow myself to fall into the same trap over and over again . And that's becos I don't want to stand up alone getting bruises all over myself . I think I'm seriously not sane , I don't even know what am I saying . Life's going to be perfect , I hope and I guess .

I had it coming , I had it coming

2009-11-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

Taken

Ok sorry guys I said I'll blog ytd but I didn't I was too tired . I spend my ytd at v's house w cody . I'm sorry if initially you've to be locked inside the kitchen ok hehehehe in any way , you're still as adorable . I woke up at nine , didn't bother to dress up or anything and hurriedly went to v's house . She picked me up at the mrt station and we walked around her neighbourhood . I love her neighbourhood ok , it's fascinating mainly due to I guess there's two pasar malam(s) there , a million coffee houses , many bubble tea shops , and freaking a lot of things . I bought cheap stickers from the pasar malam !!! If I could I would buy the entire pasar malam down . So while we were walking non-stop cos we wanted to get food , then I asked her ' Eh v , is it like ave 3 or ave 6 alr ? ' Cos it seemed we walked through the entire forest alr ok , then she gave me the face and told me its still the same ave . I really wonder how did they even like 'branch' out a certain area to be like ave 1 , ave 2 , ave 3 and so on . I guess Queenstown's really small then . I planned to study at her house but it was of no use , we watched tv or rather mostly me , I watched memoirs of a geisha and so on , then we brought cody down to play he's damn cute he chewed a chicken bone and v freaked out and previously he used to be scared of cats ( what a dog ) . I had the privilege to hold onto his lesh as tight as possible while he criss-cross . I imagined myself holding tight to chin-chow and giving him commands so cute ~ And I probably have to wait for many years AIYA . Ok , so v took quite a long time to bathe him while serving him his dinner . I was watching memoirs of a geisha throughout . Now I know why books are so much better . O I stepped on dog shit which was ew and o we sang songs and all hehehehehehehehehehe it was v fun . O plus we watched some dumpling show wah that one was freaking funny and ridiculous . I can't really remember what other things we did cos I guess I was carried away most of the time on the net . On the way back home , I screwed v's plan by shouting ' HI GOR ! ' while she was on the phone w her bro , you should have seen her face when she blamed me for screwing up her perfect plan . I couldn't help it but laugh all the way back on the mrt train . When I reached home , I was as dead as a block of wood after I watched Sing Idol , I went to sleep .

Today's not going to be so slack becos I want to make notes for my chem and revise all my other shitified chem stuffs . I haven't been even flipping through any stuffs recently so I pray that I'll be able to remember all those rubbish . After this post , I promise I'll be real good by studying chem the whole day till probably at night after which I'm going to have a gd night sleep and pressed my ass against the chair for one hour or so for the exam and then after which is my release from my torture and horror ~ I can't wait , I can't wait . Stupid dental , I've it tmr damn it . I hope I'm able to change my dental appt or I'll have to go alone . And I'm damn broke I only left ten bucks to spend tmr screw it ~

I'm fearful to find out my heart was all along w you

2009-11-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

Dearest

Hehehehehe hi people I'm at v's house right now !!!! She's bathing and so I'm just lazing around . Luckily she asked me to go to her house cos if not I wouldn't know what to do at home to . I'm bored to the max
talk to you later !

2009-11-10T05:26:00.000-08:00

Absorb

Today was fun , exciting , thrilling . I'm beginning to enjoy v simple things in life to allow to know what I really want now . I realised how much I couldn't live without hearing my brother screaming , my mum's nagging , myself scolding my sis . I can't believe I'm saying this but I think home is the best place to be in , at least I don't feel scared and weird . I like today a lot becos time passed real fast . I don't know how much fun I had but it was amazing . I'm still enertaining myself w nothing but books becos it makes me really happy as for now . Ok I've a lot to post but suddenly I just lost it . I'm v busy at night as usual ~ So luv yguys !

To you :
I said I'll blog smt for you becos you make me v happy heheheh ~ Love you so damn much ok even though I don't know if you will be able to see this or not . And I can't wait for more fun and laughter w you ! : >

2009-11-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

Charge

I realised I haven't been blogging much these few weeks . I hope I'll start to blog often again which I highly doubt so . But whatever it is , I would like to say how excited I am for tmr . Tmr seemed to be the start of my release from whatever it is and I'm determined to make things right or at least seemed right . I'll put on a bright smile on my face and wear a presentable outfit and strolled slowly to the destination . Besides , my bro made us v proud of him today . He aced his subjects all of it w the highest score of 80 percent for some subjects . I saw my mum's face lit up just like how a candle is being lit up by a match-stick when I was asked to tell her the percentage using my detestable ugliest calculator. I certainly do recognise that smile as it was familiar to me when I scored an A1 for Chinese . Staring at her face intently, I realised she should have smile harder becos she wouldn't be able to smile like this a few months later .

This para is to kris and I hope you do see it :
Happy Bday , I'm sorry I didn't msg on ytd as I had other stuffs on . I've written everything I want to say to you ytd on that bday letter of mine . I'm so glad I gave it to you like 2 months earlier as I knew I would somehow forget . And thus here's wishing you happy bday again and I love you so much , even till now .

Now now , look at her she's glowing .

2009-11-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

Action

There are times in which I tried to delete my blog . But it failed . I can't bring myself to do it even when I really hate the way things are or detest myself so much , I can no longer hide . And thus , I'm keeping this blog for now at least . Ok , I still have one more paper to go which is chem p1 . I keep my fingers cross the last paper would be really cool so yupp . And right now , I'm going to be on the com 24/7 becos I want to plan stuffs for my hols . I don't want it to be ridiculously stupid and wasting all of my time away and so I'm going to make it really enriching . Let's start from the things in which I've been dying and wanting to do in all my life . Perhaps things like dance , learning a new language or trying to lose 10 kg would be a great way to start w. Besides I say this will be new , new . I'm going to forget all those fucked up unpleasant stuffs . I can't wait , I can't wait ~

Sorry , blame it on pms

2009-11-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

And

I thought I would be somebody , somebody whom I didn't know

In the end , I questioned myself , again

2009-10-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

How could I tell you

2009-10-29T20:16:00.001-07:00

Fragile

I'm not going to blog a lot , all I want to say is thankyou , thankyou for sending me a gift filled w nothing but yr sincerity and love , thankyou for always being there for me so when I break down like fuck I know who to turn to , thankyou for blogging on yr blogs to encourage me to continue this journey becos yguys would be w me mentally , thankyou for letting me know I'm not alone through this period

Thanks for not letting me die earlier

This post is to valencia , sofea , my mum , my sis , my father , my bro and to all the people who care and love me

2009-10-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hysterical

My nightmare , finally came . I don't know how am I supposed to feel. This has been a torturing period for me and I hope this week will pass as quickly as possible . Some of my friends are feeling scared and unprepared whereas some of my other friends are taking it easy . I can't seemed to sleep last night and I woke up very early today . I'm not hungry as usual which is surprising. And this is crap seriously . I thank all for wishing me gd luck for olevels , becos I totally need luck for every subject . On the other hand , I find myself so foolish for not realizing a lot of things earlier . Why didn't I buck up beforehand , why didn't I this , why didn't I that . Also I didn't realise that my mother has placed confidence in me . She had sleepless nights w me , she cooked for me my favourite dish last night , she brought me to the temple to calm my nerves etc . It's scary when I hugged her last night and told her I didn't want all these anymore , I don't want my grades , I don't want to go for my olevels , I don't want to study , I don't want anything . Then she said ' Nothing is free ' . You want it , you exchanged something for it.

So now , I hope while I blogged this I will feel a little happier , a little more relax cos I know everything has got to do w my nerves . I don't want to freak out later , I don't want to cry or scream or anything else . All I want to do is to bring my mother's words and love into the examination hall . Becos I know that's my only weapon to defeat all and obtain victory right now . I can do it , Addy ! Why can't I when millions and thousands of people had sat for their olevels ? Why can't I do it when others can ? Why can't I just look forward to write my best piece of essay and situational writing for the old man in England to read ? I can , and I will . So even when later my heart pound so fast as if it's going to leapt out from my mouth , I'm going to take several deep breaths and just go for it .

Pls believe in yrself , pls don't give up , pls pls pls pls pls pls pls be strong .

2009-10-21T09:37:00.001-07:00

Possession

I was brushing my teeth just now . I was so sleepy and so I closed my eyes while polishing my teeth w my new neon green toothbrush . And when I opened my mouth to spit , I see red instead of white fluffy foamy Colgate . It's scary but it didn't hurt at all . Today I was waiting for my father to pick me up at some taxi-stand while an ang-moh was talking to me . I couldn't remember what he said but I heard myself saying ' Don't know lah , I don't know ! ' Hehehe , then in the car I related this weird incident to my family . My bro v cute he told me that if anyone asked for my name I must say its ' Billy ' . My mum laughed at this instant while I add on ' yeah I would also tell him my surname is Goat ' . Ok its lame , but somehow my family just kept laughing at this stupid joke . And sometimes , lame stuffs like this make me feel v blessed and happy .

I'm tired mentally not physically , I swear I could run 2.4 km right now hehehehe .

You don't mean a thing

2009-10-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Idiot

Fucking jealous , why did I fucking make such a stupid mistake . You don't deserve it , you don't deserve it so fucking return everything back to me damn ass . Bitch , who are you ?

Hands down

2009-10-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

2009-10-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Subside

I'm going to be really good today as I'm really lazy to go out to study . I'm printing a lot of my notes right now . As it is taking a long time , I thought I should draft and plan out what's going to happen today . Firstly , my day is alr screwed as I woke up at about 11 plus . So I'm going to start my work after lunch while I read and read and read my notes . Later , I got to finish up my 'last' chem tuition hw ( 4 pages everyday ) . Next , I'm going to finish up two eng comprehensions becos I need to submit them by tmr , I think . After which I will be going to complete all the freaking math sums . I hope I can finish all my work by today . Hopefully , hehehe . I need to keep remindind myself I only have eng , emath , amath , chem , social studies , lit , egeog only . This week is going to be cool cos I'm really in the mood to study . Tmr , my study session w Roanna and Bouncy will start at 10 , I can't wait hehe . Pls play farmville in facebk people and pls be my neighbours ! I want more animals and more money , hehe . I can't wait , I can't wait . And I don't know what I can't wait for ... Again , I'm feeling the peace and tranquility , and I feel happy silently .

Brain told heart to stop feeling pathetic . It helped .

2009-10-18T08:20:00.001-07:00

Arrival

In my heart , I gave you one last chance . Now I know the answer and I'm willing to accept it wholeheartedly . Thankyou , I won't hesitate anymore .

Learning how to breathe w/o you

( I want to upload my picssssss )

2009-10-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

Dual

Finally , I feel peace surrounding me . I'm glad , so glad . I'm not going to let this affect me , I'm going to stay strong , really am . Tmr I keep my fingers cross , I hope I will not see you again . I know I could not avoid you forever . But right now , I've decided to take a step . Even though it's a 'babystep' , it's still a step . So I hope this feeling stays w me forever - the feeling of leaving you . All along , I realised I've been living in my past . Right now , I'm trying my best to get out of this . And later , I know I'll discard all my past and start anew . I need to start again , all over . I miss those sudden outburst of talking to strangers unknowingly . Somehow , I guess . I'll not let this feeling fade away .

My soul , is gone

2009-10-16T07:12:00.001-07:00

Backwards

I haven't finish or even started my math hw . And I hope I don't have to start it cos I freaking hate math to the max ( hehe , it rhymes ) ok whatever . Tuition was ok today . Before I know it , its 7 and time to go back home . I don't know if its fate or what but I keep seeing this guy as in I know he's from that tuition . But somehow I see him everywhere and , this is weird . Ok I promise I'm going to be real good , after blogging I'm going to start on my math . Saturday is going to be another boring day , tuition tuition tuition . But tuition is good , becos it keeps you going as in at least I won't be distracted . Other than that , I'm like stoning ok . As in ok I don't literally stone stone , but yeah I dream again and again . I wanna watch beauty and the geek !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My existence , don't you even realise ?

She sat on the floor , peering at the shattered glass. What was going to happen now ? How could things turn out to be like this ? Didn't he say he would love her forever ? She crumpled slowly to the floor , as her strength ebbed away slowly . She nodded her head in silence as she picked the shattered glass . Slowly and painfully , she pierced it in her flesh . She saw shades of crimson , she smiled .

Edited :

Ok and so I haven't start on my math. I was talking to val . I was actually feel quite .... until when I read our conversation again . I laughed .

I dont wanna be here alone says:
ps i dont know who you are talking about
Ever and After says:
yknow smt ,whenever i'm w you or sofea i will always feel so secure
when I'm always at my lowest , i wont hesitate to dial yr phone number or msg sofea
I dont wanna be here alone says:
ahha, cause you PUNCH in our numbers
Ever and After says:
cos I know whichever , even feeling yr presence I know i'm at ease
i'm talking about serious stuff , val
I dont wanna be here alone says:
okayy
Ever and After says:
i dont know if you guys ever feel this way
and its so not me to tell you this right now
I dont wanna be here alone says:
uh huh
Ever and After says:
but yeah i just did becos i dont know why also

Shit , I think I'm really dumb

2009-10-15T05:16:00.000-07:00

No. 1

Hehehe my bro's really into MJ songs for I don't know what reason but he is . He asked me to help him by downloading videos and songs into my Ipod . And I refused hehehehe . Today was an eye opener for me . And that's why don't mess w the old people , they're so scary . I heard this old man swearing ' fuck' words like hell , it was so ... This is weird but right now I want to go to the zoo and visit the polar bear , hehehe .

You're not alone

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

I never knew I could hurt like this . You would never know but I'm screaming ' Where are you' inside my heart .

2009-10-14T03:58:00.000-07:00

New

I'm so pissed at my phone , ok not my phone or rather its just me and my not so good ' technology ' skills . Sooner or later I'm going to take up some stupid course about all the electronic stuffs ok , this is so frustrating !!!!!!! Ok anw , I went back home today for a while becos my red damn crocs were killing my feet . The pain was unbearable . On the way back , this old uncle stopped me halfway w his bike and ring the bell to mutter ' hello ' I was on plugs but I could hear , I freaked out but acted I couldn't listen to anything and I just walked away . It's freaky scary , there was the other time I remembered this old ah pek was smoking and he blow the damn thing on my face . It was damn stink , I swear . Ok I'm going to try to transfer all my pics from my phone and if I really can't do that I think I'm not going to try it anymore . Ok i'm supposed to plan 2 essays per day and I think I'm going to upload it on my blog becos I don't know where else to put it , so yeah hehehe .

You said you would be my protector , you promised , you did .

ok I'm v pissed i'm going to come back to blog again cos right now i wanna murder my phone

Back

As Siti peered into the mirror , she saw a reflection of not only herself but her family portrait . Her facial muscles relaxed and a smile lingered on her face. She took a step forward and leaned her entire body onto the mirror. There she was , finally feeling at ease. She shut her eyes tightly as tears trickled down her cheeks uncontrollably. She thought to herself , if this was a dream , she swore she would never want to wake up.

Unlike the other youths , Siti was different. A 16-year-old teenager like Siti would have their own share of troubles , example how to earn extra money. Obviously , a young teen would also have their own desires , be it to visit many different countries in the world or to meet their favorite idols in person . However , Siti’s desires and obstacles were the same . She needed and wanted a home . Home is somewhere Siti would definitely feel at ease . To her , it was not a place where she would take shelter whenever she feels tired or having no where to go . Home is a place where she would finally be cared and loved .

It was 1st October again . Under my breath , I muttered ' Happy Birthday ' to the person who looked exactly like me in the photograph . My eyes blurred with tears as I clasped the faded photograph close to my heart. I knew it was impossible to wish him again , I knew if I could turn back time , I would exchange my life for him . Ever since I was 6 years old , I had been tormented by this awful day . I recalled everything which took place 10 years ago . It was one of those sunny morning when merely breathing seemed to be an even worth celebrating. The sun blazed merrily in the azure sky , sending rays of concentrated sunlight down to the Earth . It was our last birthday together .

As I charged towards the bedroom , I slammed the door as hard as I could , venting all of my frustrations and anger . My husband , Johnny would never understand , he would not . As I looked at Laila , my new born baby , tears streamed down uncontrollably from my eyes. I carried her from her cot and placed her safetly in my arms . I held her close to my chest and whispered gently to her to behave herself when she was with Mrs Lim , her new mother . At that point of time , Laila burst out crying suddenly . I gazed at her beautiful flawless face , touched her rosy cheeks with my index finger and admired the sparkling eyes she had inherited from Johnny . Without hesitation , I placed her back to into her cot . I did not know what came over me to readily agree to sell my child to Mrs Lim . I was not greedy for money , but I know this was the only way to save my feeble mother from the clutches of death .

Within a few minutes , I heard the doorbell ring . It rang a few more times which distracted my thoughts of predicting Laila's bright future with the Lims family . I knew this was it . It was time . I carried my daughter in my arms , as I knew it was going to be the last time . As I reached out for the door knob , I heard Johnny's footsteps. He seemed to be pacing up and down the living room. My heart wrenched when I thought of turning the door knob to the right , opening the door and what would meet my eyes would be my dearest's face contorted with intense anguish . I knew my heart would then shatter into a million pieces and perhaps I may not have the courage to allow Mrs Lim to carry Laila , away from me . After taking several deep breaths , I had convinced myself that I had already summoned all my courage and determination . I would open the door , avoid looking at Johnny's face and then place Laila safely on Mrs Lim's arms . Breathing in , I turned the door knob . In the next moment , I knew what Johnny was up to . He had locked me up and would not allow Mrs Lim into the house . I tried banging the door several times with all my might . I shouted for Johnny to open the door , I pleaded with him bitterly and said that I would explain everything to him if he did what he was told . He refused . At last , I knew what would resolve this entire situation. I had to be honest , to him . I explained the entire situation , about my ailing mother suffering in the hospital . I told him how rich the Lims were and how Laila's future would only be ruined by us if she continued to stay with us .

Finally , I heard the clinking sound of a bunch of keys . I heaved a sigh of relief . Unable to contain my emotions as I opened the door , I felt my eyes clouding over . Johnny's jaw seemed to be hanging while he staggered backwards . He knelt down in front of Laila and I , muttered under his breath that he was sorry for not be able to protect his daughter. I turned my head back as my heart seemed to be pierced through by an arrow. Immediately , I opened the door and passed my baby to Mrs Lim . Without looking back , I said a prayer for her .

Annie curled herself up on the stack of hay she lied on . Beads of perspiration were formed on her forehead as tears streamed down uncontrollably from her eyes. She was filled with mixed emotions . Emotions of anguish , anger , sadness and sympathy seemed to overcome her . As she wiped away the tears on her face , she began to wonder what was the meaning of life , what was the point of her existence . She shut her eyes as tight as possible , trying to remember to faces of Mama and Papa , she recalled all the sweet and happy moments they spend together and she missed them terribly . If only , if only she could trade anything and everything to see them again , she would .

Always be in my heart

2009-10-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Collection

Today I tried tell my mum about my big plans - chin chow . And my mum said ' Thanks for telling me yr idea now , I will ask daddy to deduct yr allowance ' . Omg how could she right !!!!!!!! Its so damn it unfair ok , but I'm still not going to give up . I'm willing to scrimp and save or even reduce myself to the state of ' walking skeleton ' or ' a bag of bones ' and I'm still waiting for to hold chin chow in my arms . Ok , so I'm feeling rather down recently . I know the reason why but I refused to do anything about it , let nature takes its course , I say .

I forgot to mention that I've got 26/60 for my paper one in my tuition centre . Hehehe I know it's really badly done but its the first time my tutor praise me and say that the plot of my story is interesting , I'm glad . Like finally ok , hehehehe . She said I used the wrong structure and that's why my essay is at the lower band . In all , she said that if I've used the correct structure , I will get much higher marks . And I'm going to work harder , hehe ! I've nothing else to blog except sometimes I really hope I can choose not to see certain things . I don't hope I'm blind but I do hope that I've some power to forbid my eyes to see some things , becos its just plain grotesque . I'm going to read up my lit notes from my teacher and then I'm off to sleep again . I hope to eat Pizza Hut soon , I want my baked pasta !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our collection of memories

This is the first time in which she fear of not being able to see you again . She did not know by what power but she knew she has fallen in love w you . Should she be blame for letting you go , should she bear the harsh consequences of not accepting yr love from the start , or was it her mistake to ignore her feelings for you previously ? She didn't know what to do , how to feel or how to resolve this complex situation . This was a game , she thought . And she knew the very fact in which she would lose , completely .

2009-10-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Regain

Today I'm going to save 3 dollars cos I miss my dog so much . Ok no link but whatever , hurry come chin chow hurry come !!!!! I need to have a piggybank soon ahhhhhhhh ~~~~~

And then I realise , we came from different worlds .

2009-10-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

Previously

Ok , I had deleted a long freaking post which I've typed not long ago . I was v excited today cos I've finally made up my mind in 3 years time , I'm going to have my first dog . It's going to be MY dog , but sofea and val can be chin chow's nanny or godmummy whatever they want hehehe . I'm also going to take 3 years to convince my mummy that I really want to have this dog . I'm going to flood her w powerpts , essay topics like reasons why addy should have a dog and put up dog pictures all over the house . She's going to scream at me probably I predict but I don't care , I need my chin chow ..... I miss him in the pet shop ~~~~ Ok , so in order to purchase my chin chow soon , I've decided to save one dollar every day until val tell me how much a dog shampoo cost etc etc . So plans would change , everyday from now I'm going to save 2 dollars by then chin chow will come and he'll be learning tricks from me , exercise w me , eat w me sleep w me etc . Its going to be like a dream come true and I can't wait ! I think i'll be so freaking obessed w Chin Chow I don't even want to go out to meet anyone . But I can't wait , here I am chin chow hehehehe ! I hope everyday will pass really soon cos that means chin chow will arrive sooner than I expect !!!!!!!!

Ok I read up on some articles and i'm quite sad

2009-10-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Missed

Today was just plain boring except the fact that I met up w val . Hehehe I'm v happy cos she traveled all the way from bukit batok to bishan just to meet me up after tuition . Hehehe that's v nice of her and full stop I'm not going to say more or else her head will grow bigger and bigger and may probably pop , hehehehe . And so , we didn't do anything else except for shopping all the way till night . It was v funnnnnnnnnnn ~~~~~~ cos we kept quarreling about lame stuffs , hehehe . Tuition was v bad cos my tuition teacher keep nagging nagging wah lao eh and I woke up at 8 to wait for her , in the end she msged me and asked me if tuition can start at 10 plus . What happen to her husband need to go for some medical appointment and can drop her by at ..... ? Plus she's the one who chose the freaking timing of 8 damn o clock . Ok whatever it is , thank God I've my fruity pebbles w me and that kept me going . I was so frustrated w her and plus I thought HOC was going to suck but instead it was slightly better . That's all folk , hehehehehe and I still can't believe I skipped my sort of first family gathering becos of some shithead , what am I thinking ? Anw I've tuition to entertain me ..............

And here I am

2009-10-08T04:34:00.000-07:00

New

Today was boring . Every day is going to be boring , and I hate coming back to school . I hate it when they arrange lessons like out of nowhere and my father's not able to fetch me to school and I have to squeeze into that damn it 195 bus which is like freaking packed as usual . The bus driver would never fail to forget my existence when I press the bell twice and he'll give me the expression like ' Oi , cannot hear lah ! ' And the bus will be damn hot , people squeezing here and there and me always putting my bad balancing skills into no gd use at all and in the end I always feel as if I'm going fall , anytime soon . There's absolutely nothing wrong w old people , except they want everything first and when they don't get things their way they will appear to be damn grumpy hollering all sorts of weird dialects which sorry , I've never heard them before . They want to board the bus first , wanna get the seat first , wanna alight first , what do they exactly want seriously omg . I was swelting like nobody's business when I reached school , the first place I thought of landing my big ass on was in the library's so not comfortable chair becos my mind's all on the aircon and none for the chair or the shithell facilities . And then , sofea and I went for a mini hide-and-seek w the teachers from our school . Wah seriously , the hide-and-seek took quite long and on the way back we went to the canteen . I love how people shouted at us like ' You are a freak ' and ' Get a life , dude ! ' Hehehehehehehe its so damn fun ! And thus I joined in the great fun and shouted back ' Omg , who is she ! ' And something else but I couldn't really remember becos I only recalled us laughing the entire way to the canteen and back from the canteen . When I tried my best to make things as fun as possible , in the end I got nothing back but stares from someone . Wah , scary ~~~~~~ Why doesn't she appreciate the fun when she's the first one who started it first ? Hehehehe ok nevermind , some people just take a longer time to know that . So math mocks were like ..... After , math lesson was nothing but .............. Lunch was boring , when I reached home my tuition officially started . With nothing to offer to my teacher except a pair of sleepy eyes and a retarded face which says ' I want my sleep now ' , and that explains why my teacher was nagging , scolding , and talking talking talking the whole time about me .... Whatever it is , yeah I should get a life , thanks for reminding !!! : >

I could shun you away , I could

2009-10-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

Unintentionally

I'm not going to log in into msn , I'm also not going to visit facebk or any other thing . After blogging this I'm going to shut my com down and then retreat back into that lone room of mine . I detest when I slept for so long becos right now I'll have less time to complete what I'm supposed to do today and so what am I going to do now ? I don't like to start mid-way , I mean its just yucks . Ok I don't know I don't want to go back for lessons , it will just waste all my damn time and I know it v well . Just like today , I went back to school at nine . Lesson supposedly start at nine but wah in the end it starts after nine thirty . Chem was nothing but boredom why did he have to make one of my favourite subject to be like that ? Whatever nothing is my favourite subject anymore ~~~~~ This thing sucks so bad . I don't like to ponder too much , when sometimes when I overdo it I know I'm at the same situation again - When pushed onto a cliff , will you retreat or move forward and fall off ? Yeah , but either way after this experience it will tortue you to death.

About you , again . But why you ?

2009-10-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

Miracle

My eyes are going to close as usual . I don't really feel like blogging so I guess this will be a short one , hehe . Today while I was walking home , I saw a dog . And then I've been wondering if in the near future I'm able to have my own dog what shall I call it . I don't really want to give it a human human kinda of name and so I created my own ' Hehaho ' Freak , I guess that's going to be really weird ok but I imagined all the fun ' hehaho ' and I are going to have tgt . I imagined that my parents came over to my house , I was busy doing my work and so my doggie gave them water to drink and enertain them w all the tricks I obviously teach him . That's going to be my plan in the future , I'm going to earn big bucks , move out and my doggie will be my husband , my bestfriend ( opps sorry val and sofee hehe ) , my lover , my crush , my fantasy , my maid etc . He's going to do all the household chores while everyday I earn big bucks and feed him w the most expensive dog food in the world . However, I'm not going to clean his shit , pee , urine or anything . He's going to be a good dog and do that all by himself . Once a week I'll bring him to some grooming centre to trim his long hair and Idk if Spore has a school for dogs or not , if not I'll send him to overseas for dog schooling by my private jet hehehehehehehehehehe Also , he has to take up a lot of other activites , like swimming , running ( he must not be overweight ) , playing games and be a v v v v v hot dog , hehehe hot kind of dog I mean . Then we will have candlelight dinner everyday , he'll sleep beside me and then I'll cuddle him just like how I cuddle my bolster hehehehehe , ok I'm v happy now . I think I'm alr half into dreamland so I better continue this post and then hury get into my favourite land ever .

Tmr I'm going to school for some shit chem lesson it better be good or else I'll just walk away . Then I'll study again like how everyone is right now . And then I will sleep or else I'll feel damn drained out of energy. And that's all for tmr . I wonder if I'm able to wake up on time or not , its freaking nine o clock . Thats all for now , folks . The End ( hehehehehehehehe )

1st dog name : Chin Chow
2nd dog name : Hehaho
......................................... and the list will go on and on .....................................

I'm ok , I'm alright and I'm still going to fight fight fight !

2009-10-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

Anguish

I just wasted two hours on facebk which I should be studying . I never like it but I think I better start liking it . My mum's not at home she went to pray for my grandpa , my father is out w my bro and my sis to the library while I'm at home , dreaming stoning waiting for every sec to pass and then my heart will seemed to skip a beat . I woke up at 7 today , draft my own time table filled w lots of encouragement like 'keep going' 'yes , that is the way to go' 'never say no' 'nothing is impossible' . But I just realised its me who's writing it and its also me who is going to receive it. I thank my mum for getting bbq chicken cos I haven't eat it since ... So I studied a little for paper one ytd , just went for a test at 10 . Tuition was gd today , the best tuition ever cos there's no teaching at all once the clock strikes 10 I was chased outside to somewhere near the toilet it was freaking hot the chair's not a chair its a stool I can't lean back cos if not I will fall , and there I begin my essay . The question was write about an occasion which you made an impulsive decision which caused your closed ones suffering . I was stuck but I begin to write , I ended off quite suckily but what to do ? Hehe , nevermind . Somehow I feel relieved after this paper , went back home straight after and here I am now blogging . Soon , I guess I'm going to take my social studies bk and then start to read and memorise I'm going two by two , means two chaps and then I take a break . If I completed all 6 , I will then attend Ss mocks if not I won't turn up . Hehe , ok so that's all for now I hope to complete my work today !

And there , they all watched . Some gasped in horror , some had an impish grin on their faces and others just want to see a good show. She knew that it was not her choice , she had no say , she had no choice , but she cannot regret . There was no room for it except to win , to walk down this road slowly , painfully but she has to win . She was aware of the shattered glass laid by all , she knew they were at the other side eyeing on her misfortune , she knew . Breathing in , she took a small step . Baby steps they thought , she was afraid . Yes she was , but baby steps were also steps . She smiled .

When it comes , what shall I do ?

2009-10-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

Collapsed

I wanted to specially blogged this post for my clique but apparently I can't scan my yellow paper into the com . Screw the scanner , its spoiled . I'm reading ' A thousand splendid suns ' but somehow I think the kite runner is better , somehow . But anw thanks fay for lending it to me I'm alr halfway through I think I can finish it within 2 days . So today marks the end of schooling in stc , I don't feel as if its the last day and I've no idea why . Today we celebrated delores' bday w a small piece of chocolate cake but filled w a lot of our love in it . We sang ' happy birthday ' song to her softly and then we went on to do the activity , clique activity to be exact . I came to school mostly becos of this and part of it was to give delores her sunflower as my mum said it would be impolite to not give someone her present by myself . And so I did what she told me to do , to go to school listen to all those shit craps which I swear I don't want to listen and then really they don't even teach . But yeah I would go to school becos of the cliuque , everyone of them is so significant to me - they , are worth it . I'm pms-ing so my mood's really bad cos I hate it when I feel so tired when I just woke up from my deep sleep . I want more but I'm so lazy . And all I can do is to tell myself not to give up , continue this arduous journey even though it hurts , just do it for the sake of yrself and for the people who love you and have been supporting you in every way they could , and don't be a loser and let everyone down becos just don't be dauted and defeated by anything cos there are a million people waiting for you to fall and then laugh at you . And after that , I think all I've been saying its all my imagination . There's probably no such people , they probably have no such motives and you're probably ...
Tuition at ten tmr , followed by another tuition at 3 tmr . Followed by tuition at 10 on sunday . And from a very long time till the end of olevels , it has been studying me studying fatter studying food studying stoning studying reading studying watching the teevee studying grades studying competing studying defeated studying marks studying improvement studying effort studying crying studying stressed studying trying studying sick studying force studying studying studying studying
I've officially have no social life at all

And here it goes :

' Adrienna !!! It has been great knowing you . You're so nice ( but only sometimes HAHAHAHA ) and don't worry cause you ae so not fat man ! We've known each other for 4 years so I'm very very thankful becos you've been a great help in my life in various times and I ove you so much man . Frenz_4eva56. LOL !!! DUA PUI SAI 4 EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! '

' Hi Adrienna ! Sorry you're not our gang leader anymore but it is fun having you around in school , class and during recess :D It's been great joy having you as a friend and I hope we'll keep in touch in time to come . Study hard for Os yeah !!! Lotsa luv !!! heartheartheart '

' Dear Adri , my exercis partner !! Thanks fo those wonderful times when we went to swim together , loved these moments ! Even though we'll be going separate ways after graduation , I will never forget you so I hope we keep in touch okay ? I love you : ) Love , the cute one . '

' Hi Adienna , even though we are not very close I wanted to say thanks fo bringing laughte into our lives . You're super hardworking so I'm sure you'll do well . Never give up and good luck for everything you do !! :) '

' Dear adrienna siew wei ying , you're the best forever ! hah , its fun to have you around so I can disturb you and complain to teachers about your bad behaviour . You're the second funniest next to stacy , so keep up the good work ! friendz_forever56 :) '

' ADRIENNA we have been through both good and bad times tgt and our frienship has been put to the test . But I'm really glad we've been through all that . You're the closet thing I've to a best friend so I really treasure out friendship and I want it to last forever and ever until we get married and have grandchildren ! Love you always , hearts '

' Dear Dps , thanks for always being there for me always. Pls remember me forever , remember that you were the one who did my Art , the one who cried over my unhappiness , the one who gets pinched and abused by me etc . Oh ++ we were the two rebellious one of sec 2C 2004 ! HAHA , and you'll always be MY DPS heartheart '

By typing each and every single word into this blog post , I'm touched . I'm going to reply every single of them , so here goes again :

' Hi you , thanks for saying I'm not fat . But right now I seriously think I'm as fat as a goddamn pig but its ok hehe . I'm also v thankful to have a friend like you becos you're v thoughtful towards everyone in which yknow . I promise I will be yr chinese walking dictionary and help you along in chinese if you need any help. But I'm really grateful and love you too '

' Hi you , I'm the gang leader of perfect ten always . Omg perfect ten sounds lousy ok but whatever . I love the times spending w you it was so great becos you're always so funny , cheerful and never fail to bring a smile on my face when you speak like a dude and twitch yr face w the addition of some sound effects . I love going shopping w you , eating and doing anything else w you . Thanks for accepting me for who I really am and always forgiving me of my mistakes and my flaws . During this two years has been a really great opportunity to get to know you even more . Love you so much '

' Hi you , I'm very happy if you are able to swim w me cos I love swimming ! And also , I feel very comfortable whenever I am with you and that's unexplainable . I think you just have a Idk sense of idk what kind of sense also but whenever i'm w you I think I'm not so concern about my physical appearance which means I will feel very relaxed and peaceful . I will not forget all those times we spent in the pool , talking over the phone about stupid and lame stuffs and laughing out loud becos of dumb stuffs too . I'm always v delighted to talk to you becos you're so nice and Idk it just feels nice whenever there's you around . So I thank you for that and I love you always '

' Hi you , I know you definitely would not see this but although I think there seemed to be really a big disparity in our character , it is still great knowing you . I've never thought myself to be v hadworking as I have always considered it as the stupidest way of studying and that's only for stupid people like me . Yes , I will not give up and I will work hard towards it , once i'm done w my book hehe ! '

' Hi you , I like you best cos you're my neighbour and even though now you're not going to be , I will still continue to be your friend I promise . I'm the funniest ok so kick stacy out cos she's not and will you stop making fun of me mocking me and all cos I will take my revenge . Remember Queensway , wah embarrassed leh someone blushing ~~~~~~~ hehe so watch out '

' Hi you , thanks for being so sweet telling me that I'm the closet thing you have to a best friend . It really touched me when you say that becos at some times I really feel like killing you when you appear to be nonchalent about things like phoning you and all . The no. 1 most hated sentence from you is : Sorry , I don't call people . People call me . I know you probably think you sound real cool but sorry to say , no hehe . But ok becos of that sentence , I am willing to call you . Yes , I admit that our friendship has gone through a lot of hardships . Its amazing that we are still close to each other . Maybe thats becos for nothing , boredom , loneliness and everything other insignificant things , I will start dialling yr no. Thanks for teaching me math and helping me in every way you could . I like you , yr personality and for being who you always to be . Courageous enough , determined than ever and being v nice to me . I'm sorry but I don't want to marry not now but I will witness you getting married and all about yr grandchildren . You better call me after Os , loves so much '

' Hi you , you touched me most when I read yr small little piggy note . I don't mind a name ' Dps ' from you , I didn't regret tearing , getting pinched , doing yr Art work at all . I treasured the sec 2 times w you so much . We shared a lot of memories tgt , mostly all the good ones . Even till death I will not forget you , I will not forget moments and times I've spent weeping and worrying about you . You and yr experiences have taught me a lot and that allow me to grow to be less dependant on you and more independant in myself . Sec 2 was a whole lot of fun and laughter w you . Even till now I can still remember some of the things you said to me . Those words will never leave me . I remembered you said my hug gives you strength and no matter how much you try to hide it , you cannot camouflage in front of me cos somehow I will be able to 'decode' it and read you . Previously I will know everything about you , how you suppress everything or trying yr best to be happy , trying so hard to not let me worry and conceal all yr unhappiness by blasting the music in yr ears . I remembered how we used to scribble on each other's arm , legs and everywhere else . Getting into serious trouble for that also and remember you drew a girl's face on my leg ? All the memories , somehow I can never forget . '

A part of me

2009-10-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

Torn

I was anticipating towards today . But my plan failed , everything failed . I don't blame anyone but I just don't like last-min arrangements - I just don't like it . So I woke up early today to expect a good day ahead w my mum and bro as it's children day ! As I supposed I'm on a self-called-study-leave , I didn't check my phone regularly . And when I did , I saw adeline's msg : You might want to come to school today for math as mr lau said its important . So I was panicking like mad and I called sofea . She suggested we might still be in time for math , and so I went. My mother had plans for today but becos of me , she changed all the plans . I know my bro's really upset but there's nothing I can do. I felt bad though so I swear if I went back to school , it better be of something good . And it turned out like what ? Amath mocks - this sucks ok . I was really disappointed so I scribbled my way through I didn't actually bother about mocks . I'm not bothering about anything alr . Plans were entirely screwed up , the anticipation ends immediately when I decided to rush back to school . Perplexed and shocked faces greeted me today ( as if I'm some kind of freak ) but o well why should I care ? I paid a freaking 5 dollars cab fare well I shouldn't be complaining cos sofea paid 20 hehehe and the freaking weather is so hot like mad , I give up , school sucks . When I saw Roanna she told me a big secret and till now i'm still quite Idk I feel weird about this whole matter . Cos I've never expected myself to be a threat to anyone , but hehe its ok though . You can use me as a motivation to study harder and better and thrash me woah , fighting ~~~~ , woah , scary ~~~~~ ok hehe !!!! So I ate lunch at my usual hangout w my usual mate and we talked about gross stuffs ok no I was grossed out but it was ok as in nevermind lah , it's not really that grossed but I mean its fun to hear ! Then went to ion to walk around. Eh mate I like the pen in Art Box wah that one is freak I swear . Ok so went back home and got chased out instantaneously cos my mum said we had to change to go to kenny roger to eat . I didn't eat much cos I'm alr v full but I still ate a chicken drumstick hehe . Anw during this whole period mugging for olevels , I've earned myself a tummy and I'm going to grow it bigger and bigger . So great world isn't really that great cos there's nothing much to do . I managed to get Delores something and here I am blogging . I'm going to go off soon if not I'll be nagged at for this and for that which I totally don't want to hear any of it .

On the other hand I really can't stand some people for being so bitchy , so disgusting and so damn it sickening . I think they should suck some ass / balls / anything to keep their bloody mouth shut . If that still doesn't help , I think they should be either be at least a little self conscious about what comes out of their mouth as it stinks so bad and someone has just got to tell them that . So pls do not pissed me further , know yr limits .

I recalled how you left my heart hanging onto a string
And now , I won't be taken in again

2009-09-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Game

I hate my nose when its always like this . I'm having a freaking flu which I totally didn't allow my sister to switch on the fan and to close all the windows or doors becos I'm damn cold right now . She's complaining of the damn heat but I'm sorry to say I don't feel any heat . I'm v happy like that . But I think after some time I'm probably going to complain about the room being real stuffy . So yeah , wait till then I'll think of other ways . My mum's going to call my form teacher tmr to have some small talk about me . And I've this really cool plan to pick up the other telephone and eavesdrop at what they're saying . I hope my mum doesn't say bad things about me , hehe . I'm starting to like my home even more . Even though its not a lake house or some rich man's house w built-in this and that , I will still love it . Anw , I've always fancy tree houses until when I watched the orphan ( wah , freaking scary ) I think I'll still stick w my mini hdb flat hehe . I like my bed when I'm feeling alone , I like how my sofa always welcome me to bounce myself up and down as if I'm a bouncing ball , I like how I transformed the family's dinning table to my own study table , I like it when there's always food in the fridge for me to see and eat , I like it best when my toilet's cover is always open cos it seemed as if it's asking me to shit and pee more often . Previously , I would feel bored and sick staying in my house the entire day just to prepare myself for olevels. But no , and I don't know why . I just had tuition from8 to 11 as usual . My tuition teacher has been nagging and nagging since the moment she stepped into my house . Worst still , she msged me which include all her nagging . What wrong method , bad techniques , little learning etc etc etc . While she has been telling me all that , I've been just ' uhm ah orh uhm arh orh ' all the way . I don't know whether to say she's cute or not but she even wrote me this little note which takes up half a page of my a4 jotter book ok . But I think she should just show me the damn book first becos there's a sentence which I've been dying to hear from someone today .
" Don't give up Adrienna , continue to strive on w the correct technique ! "
That was all to retrieve a smile and some motivation to continue . And for that , I'm thankful . ( Even though I've never thought she will be the one saying that to me )
For myself and everyone , I must continueeeeeee to fight this battle !!!! Me vs olevels , hehehehe !!!! Let's c who wins in the end ok , olevels ?

I thought I'll never recover from this mess of injuries I've suffered , but I did and now I'm back

2009-09-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

Mockery

I recalled and now I'm hesitating . But at least now I know I'm contented w what I have now . And they meant the entire world to me.

Don't want it anymore

2009-09-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Tremble

Ok , I don't think I'm going to have any sleep tonight . No sleep tonight , no sleep tonight ! Hehehe damn math tuition ok I haven't even touch any hw of hers yet . She's probably going to scream at me tmr , but whatever I'll act as if I'm deaf . I'm talking to Json online and I totally have no idea how the heck he knows I'm in the stupid bunny video thing omg embarrassing . Today was rather ok , except I dreamt about a lot of weird things like my tuition teacher is tgt w my form teacher and how she's complaining to me about him and his Russian aunty like wth ???? I miss starbucks so much as I've not been drinking it for about 2 months . I also miss my stupid tom yam you mian , that one is the best ok I think at least one week I'll visit the store at vivo or wisma . Ok , I've to go alr cos my cousin keep asking me to go offline now . Bye guys , anw today's great ( even though tuition still suck as ever )

My pride spilled on the floor

2009-09-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Privileged

Today was a much better day for me . And tmr , I believe will be even better . I like this positive mindset , hehe . Anw ok initially I didn't want to blog becos I still have work to complete but on the other hand tmr its daphne's bday ! Life's still boring as ever but its getting better at the same time . I don't feel it anymore I guess my mind and heart is adapting to this new change . But whatever it is , bravo addy ! Keep going , keep pushing ( hehe ) I spoke to my mother a lot today which is like really v rare after since gong passed away . It was awesome becos I know I've the most amazing and wonder mother ever in the world . I like it when I discuss to her about my fears and my aspirations. Becos only she will listen attentively to all my crap . We talked about olevels , about her predicament , about if things don't go the way we planned it to be what should I do and all . Knowing that my mother is always supportive of me makes me really glad . Like every other young teenager , I've my own dreams and huge aspirations . I don't want to have a family ( ok , I think I might regret saying this a few years later but whatever at least right now , no ) I want to be a successful career woman who can support the entire family ( yeah ~~~ ) And so , becos of that I need and going to work even harder to achieve it . I may talk big now and say the most ridiculous thing ever but I can still dream , right ? Anw I need to type this happy bday msg to daphne , so here goes ...

To daphne :
Firstly , Happy Bday !!!!! You're 16 alr , so pls stop acting cute acting like a chile and always trying to catch my attention ok ? ( HEHEHEHEHE ) Pls also stop liking pink cos I don't like it and learn to like beautiful colours like yellow . But I know it takes time for you to appreciate nice things so yeah hehe . I know by now you should have probably read the bday letter I've written for you since a few months ago . I'm sorry that I didn't give you a gift or anything else becos I guess I'm really busy to hunt for someone who is so troublesome like you ( HOHO ) But its ok I'll probably owe you ! The best thing I like about you is being my Queenstown and same street neighbour . And becos of that , I'm proud to say that we get a little more closer and talk more to each other too and ps get to share cab fair ( HAHA ) ok I think I should stop the damn sound effects alr cos its getting a little too annoying . Anw , its so sad to see you shifting to another place and leaving my town which is the queen's town . But its ok , we will still get to contact each other and keep in touch yeah ? Thanks esp for this period of time for collecting all my hw and helping me w my school stuffs . I thank you from the bottom of my heart becos I really appreciate yr effort and also I know it must be quite annoying at some time too . I've known you for quite a long period of time since primary school till now , it has been 10 years so far . I still remembered the first time we talked to each other was in the same yellow ugly school bus in which we usually sit beside each other and talk about lame stuffs . Thank God I've this amazing chance to get to know you better during secondary school , if not I wouldn't know how irritating ( kidding ) and nice you can get ! You have been there for me when I needed 'electrical help ' , remember I called you at 8 in the morning becos I didn't know how to freaking operate my ipod ? Hehe . So therefore , even when you leave this school , I hope you'll also take w you our memories and all the joyful moments we spent tgt . For that , I'm v happy to be yr friend . As olevel is approaching , I wish you all the best and also in everything you do . Love , Addy

Gone , forever

2009-09-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

Heart

Ok , my eyes are seriously going to close and I'm damn tired cos I just came back from json. Anw today's a really happy day so I guess I will stop ranting and complaining about how sucky life is ... I guess weird things really happen on wed whenever I visit the HOC. Met kris earlier today as I need to get stuffs from popular , bishan j8 popular totally sucks becos it has nothing at all ok. I had a lot of stuffs to buy but I didn't get it in the end , they don't even have scotch tape like wth ? Then went off to j'son place to slack for awhile , gossip talk etc . Went to our usual hangouts like 247 , best place ever ! And on the way to meet kris , some girl came to approach me to be a model. I'm sorry to say but I think she must be blind or something becos I wore my usual big tee shirt still have unicorn pattern hehehe and I've 3 damn pimples or val would certainly say I'm having more 'friends' damn . If its like this , I rather not have any 'friends' at all ok . She came to me and gave me a namecard , asked me for my contacts blah blah . But I think I was quite rude to her .
She said ' Do you want to be a model ? '
Me said ' No ! ' ( And I said it in those are-you-kidding-me kind of tone )
Whatever last week was some woman asking me to lose weight and this week is some model thing . Plus it all happens on the way to HOC , wth . Ok Hoc is the best place ever even though Json is still ever mean to me . We laughed , studied , played etc . O and Json treated us to dinner becos we answered a question right ! Bought over 50 dollars worth of food , plus maur and I act as the freaking deliverywomen it was exhausting but really cool ! Love threesome tuition w kris and json and miss those times we spent tgt . And it was cool today , I'm going to turn in now . Bye people !

And I don't want to miss a thing

2009-09-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

Whisper

Hi everyone hehehe , I feel so much better today ! Somehow which I totally think its queer . Anw today was finally kinda of productive cos I did some work . I think blogging everyday seemed to be my daily dose of medicine . If I don't blog , I guess I'm going to whine the whole day . I don't know what I'm expecting now cos what I want is some moment of peace and tranqility . My appetite was so gd today that I ate sausage bread which now I totally feel guilty becos I'm supposed to lose weight. If I can't control myself or not lose weight , I swear I'll never ever walk down Orchard Road ever in my entire life ( probably use the underpass , hehe ) And wth ytd I was still thinking of asking my friends to join me at seoul garden , I love all the meat meat meat and more meat . I bet Kris will totally agree w me ! I can't wait to fry the eggs , bbq the hotdog and whatsoever .... ok control , I need some control

Never let go

2009-09-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

Envy

I wake up every hour just to read a few sentences . After that , my head will fall back onto my pillow and before I know it I'll be sound asleep . My uncle , my father , my mother , my sis and my bro are in my house , which means no peace today. I don't know what's going on I'm not choosy and picky today and that becos the only thing I know is : My head's spinning like crazy , everything seemed to be a blur to me . I'm trying to think that its becos I'm getting lazier and my brain's not functioning anymore . But hell no , I think I'm sick .

As usual , I don't even need to turn my head to the side or anywhere else becos from their footsteps and the way they talk I know the exact positions where each and everyone of them are . My mother's cooking in the kitchen as I smell food , my sis is trying to figure out what to wear this and that for maybe tmr's yoga or whatever as I hear the continuous slamming sound of my door . My father's all over the house which means one min he's in the kitchen the next min he's in the living room and the next split second he can be right behind me or beside me watching me quietly which anytime now I'll turn behind and holler . But I know he'll still continue to fuss . As for my bro , he's in the process of being a monk right now and my uncle seemed to be his tutor or anyone who guides him . It seemed queer though becos my bro's chanting all the weird words which I think he totally made them up . My mum says ' Aiya you , if you want to be a monk yknow you need to study until university and get a degree leh ! ' So yeah its amazing , times have changed people . You need a degree to be a monk ? Omg . As for me I'm emoing staring and gazing at my com screen as if I'm lovesick or smt which I'm not . However now it seemed as if every letter which is appearing on my screen is floating right now but fear not becos i'm still waiting to open my eyes real wide and see myself floating . When that happens , I'll be delighted and not afraid ! Previously I was on plugs listening to Big Bang ' We Belong Together ' . Its really gd and addictive though half of the time I don't know what are they talking about cos its korean but I've watch the mv before so I try to follow my inference. While listening to it , I paid real close attention to the words ' We Belong Together ' cos that's the only words I know . I started to think real deeply , who's we , what's belong and why tgt . And then I figured out probably I need to take up some korean classes or be as desperate as my sis learning korean online . I guess she's too sick and tired of staring hard at their facial expressions to decipher what the hell the person is actually talking about . But its obviously of no use , how can you look at someone's facial expression and then decide what the hell that person is talking about. And I've got proof . Previously even if sofea's talkng eng and furthermore if I'm looking at her facial expression , it won't help at all becos I still couldn't make any sense to what she's talking about . This is concrete proof people .

Ok , I think i'm starting to piss people off w my curtness and rudeness . Hehe which I think its quite fun . This is another new chapter to my story and I'm probably going off to sleep again and dream about how to crack yr protected twitter .

So start by telling me

Edited :
This is to sofea ,
If Hari raya is over and that nobody eats the prawns can you pls pls pls pls pls give it to me , omg I love the prawns !!!!! I'm not desperate for prawns , right ? Hehe

2009-09-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

Deep

I'm at sofea's house now . Its really weird using her com cos I usually used my laptop. Val went to the toilet and I've no idea where's sofea right now . Happy selamat Hari Raya , sofea ! Ok I'm feeling sleepy as I've been here almost for a whole day. It was real fun becos I get to eat a lot we played like crazy as well as to see sofea in her ethnic costume . However I'm not feeling too gd becos I didn't get to watch my channel u show which is like twice a week so yeah . I like it whenever there's a crowd becos only then I can not bother about how I am feeling . I met kris in the train today which I think its totally fate hehe . As the days passed , I feel as if I'm growing to be fatter and fatter which I feel pathetic and sorry for myself . As I'm typing , I can hear the sound of this noisy keyboard ok whatever keyboards are meant to be noisy so yeah . I'm getting bored becos the host is not here to entertain me . And I'm going broke . I don't know what else to say alr so I'm going to end this .

Fallen so deep , so deep

2009-09-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

Mute

The time now is 6.10 , I woke up at 5.48 wondering what to do next . And then I realised I've been in dreamworld all along . Somehow I manged to get my ass off the bed and then I knew its a new beginning . I tried to sleep real early last night becos I wanted to dream so bad . But it failed . I didn't manage to dream at all . I think I'm starting to enjoy the silence . And I'll still continue to blog about today cos I know it will never end here .

I remember initailly how I've earn yr smile
And now I find it harder and harder to earn it back

2009-09-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

Removal

Today was really horrible , as in its not as if I don't know it would not be horrible . Aiya whatever it doesn't make any sense at all . I overslept today so I was late for tuition , I didn't expect my tuition teacher to ask me to join the later class which starts at 3 . I was only twenty mins late plus I didn't blow dry my hair when I got out and I nearly fell becos it was raining and the floor's so slippery. And that's it , today was totally not my day . But I felt peaceful somehow becos HOC is so quiet. I spent my hours reading ' To Kill A Mocking Bird '. Quite cool I guess becos within a few hours I managed to finished part one of it . I'm still going to continue to read it becos I've not gotten my A thousand splendid suns yet . Later when I got bored of it I was pathetic enough to read a chem guide bk which now I'm totally addicted to it . I must be crazy , how could I say this hehe . Anw I scored really badly for my test which I think i'm the lowest . So I guess it must be either the rest are actually putting more effort than me or I'm actually not catching up and instead lagging behind . Becos I don't want to give myself this excuse which I'm stupid , lazy or whatever . So that was it , I went 'emo' the entire time till now . I think my tutor knew something about or regarding it . But I can't be bothered becos I don't know what I am actually bothered now . Throughout the lesson I was starving like mad becos I didn't eat anything else but I just didn't want to get my fat ass off the sofa . Lazy , I know . And becos I don't want to feel so lousy again , I'm going to tell myself to try again , again .

Anw I've indeed created my twitter account , and now the thing is : How to use it ? Hehe omg I can't wait to twit-twit-twit non-stop at least it sounds better than moo-moo-moo or oink-oink-oink. Ok that's utter rubbish and it doesn't make sense at all . I can't believe the first thing I wrote on my whatever twitter.com was ' test test , hehehe ' omg now who would follow me on twitter !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would you give it another try ?

2009-09-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

Trapped

Somehow I think I should switch to twitter . So I can twit all day long like 'twit-twit-twit' hehehehe . Anw yeah ok I really don't feel like going to HOC today cos its raining so heavily , there's a thunderstorm , lightning and everything else . I don't like to travel in such weather cos it really sucky. I woke up today real late and that's becos I finally dreamt of something . I'm delighted becos ever since I don't know when I haven't been dreaming . However , I feel so foolish becos I dreamt about you . What's wrong , Addy ? I've been controlling my heart and my mind but can I control my dream ? I think i'm going to be late for tuition again and I need to go to popular becos I'm popular heheehehhehehe . Today will be another wasted day and I can't wait for tmr . I guess the three of us are v excited too ! I'm going to bring camera(s) and snap all day long hehehe . Just the thought of it makes me really happy alr .

Some people has been searching for a lifetime

Edited :
Ytd I talked to Roanna over the phone : >

And I hope Sofea will be alright becos I'm yr light in times of yr darkness , hehehe . Hurry phone me becos I want to say ' Hi emo ' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2009-09-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hardest

I like fri and wed the best becos my entire family probably except my sis would not be at home . And then I'll sit down on the sofa half day dreaming half thinking about life . Hehe suddenly I remembered what roanna always say about me ' Wonder what this girl always think at home ah ! ' Cos I'll always ask Daphne and Roanna random stuffs about boyfriend , mother , father aiya anything hehe . Ok today's fri , I went out w the bitch to get stuffs . She's forever acting pretty which I can't stand it anymore , I make this pact w her if she acts one more time she got to pay me money ok . Wl eh hehehehe. Anw I went for tuition today unlike someone who skipped tuition like what three times ? Yeah tuition was great becos wanzhen came and then we started to gossip and all . And pls , she's real funny ok ! So the bus ride back home seemed to be real long and it starts to freak me out whenever night approaches silently . Becos that would mean olevels is nearing and I don't want to think about it .

I pondered over the fact which if I'm blind , what would my world be like ? Will I not get married in my whole life ? Would I not see my family forever ? Would I not be able to see my own children as well as my husband ? Would I not be able to see all my clothes and read storybks or to even watch tv ? When I was young , I fear of being blind . I wouldn't even tell my mother I'm afraid becos I didn't want her to worry . But I remembered vividly when I couldn't take it anymore becos all my questions are not answered by anyone , I sent my mother an email . The contents of the email were basically , if I'm blind which school will I go , if I'm blind will you spend more time w me , if I'm blind would I not see you forever , if I'm blind how would I be able to pee , shit , eat , study ? And the list went on and on starting w the same words ' If I'm blind .... ' I waited for days for my mom to return my email . And in the end she did . She didn't freak out like most mothers (I think) would . Instead , she replied me ' That's why you must take care of yr eyes ' Perhaps she didn't know , but these words meant a lot to me . How ironically I feel that unknowingly I was already blinded . And right now , I wished she could tell me the same words again . And that I could start searching for my courage again . My courage to face you

A moment like this

2009-09-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Jeopardy

I realised that my blog posts are getting shorter and shorter and that's becos I've nothing to say .

Why ?

2009-09-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

Eternity

I'm reading this Idk-where-is-it-from article , talking about last min studying and olevels and whatever stress and how to deal with it . The only stress I've now is that I don't wish to attend school becos its so freaking waste time but I would like to see what my peers are doing in school . Hehe so I don't know if I should go to school tmr to complete the emath paper 1 , but I think i'm going cos Idk my gut feeling tells me so . Also , I am so freaking tired today which I totally don't know why . I haven't been using my brains much lately and I can feel tired ? I seriously don't know man . Take today for eg. , I slept twiceeeeeeeee in school which was like wow cos I don't even sleep in school at all . The moment I went back home today , I didn't even take my lunch , I slept all the way to now ok , omg . My eyes are going to close anytime soon ~~~~~~ ok bye

Get down on my knees
You don't have to do this , yknow ?

2009-09-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

Imperfection

Ok this is going to be a very short post . I decided to turn up for school tmr so I kind of need to recharge or whatever you call that cos school will totally drained all my energy . Imagine me with my freaking small uniform plus the stupid damn weather which totally burns zillion of my calories ? And me sweating till my sports bra could be seen through or visable to anyone who has eyes ? Omg ok pls I think today's my worst day ever cos I went to town today I missed my bus stop and landed somewhere else which I've to walk really far under the freaking blazing scorching afternoon sun which I felt like a BBQ pork after that ok . Then I was approached by this lady and met another lady , they talked to me as if i'm their long lost friend like that . Still can ask me if i'm a student where am I studying this and that . Stupid , I should have known that she has an agenda to be so nice to me . But no , at that point of time i thought she's really sweet looking ( although she's 53 ) and friendly and so I continued to speak to her . She brought me up to taka , I thought we are going to some place to drink coffee and everything becos I asked her where are we going and she says its hot right here and needs to go in to take water or smt like that . Unknowingly while I was talking to her telling her the history behind my name and all , I found myself inside the building of taka at the 18th floor . And then they said I saw the company , their company ' health...... fitness ......' ok I went in becos I wanted to find out more they asked me to measure my body weight , fat , water and muscle and omg they say I'm a 16 year old living in an 18 year old body . Half of my weight is due to body fat becos my weight is far too heavy for my legs to support or whatever . What I know was that after I heard everything they said , I cursed and swear and regretted following this sweet 53 year old lady . She asked me to buy some dk what products but I rejected and went out . There were photos of a lot of people also like Christopher Lee from Spore Idol and others. Worst , they said that they are beckam's what Idk or something . I couldn't be bothered w all these amazingly facts after I weigh myself . I felt my whole world crashing down as when I was on the way to my tuition I took the wrong side of the train and landed somewhere at Cityhall which I need to spend more time to travel back to town and then to bishan. Still cursing and swearing till I went back to HOC and that's it , it sucks . So I've decided that I'm very fat and I seriously need to lose weight. I'm probably not eating for a million days or else I'm going vegetarian. But everytime I think of my ban mian you mian and tom yam I will give in . However this is serious , I'm not giving in at all . I'm trying this for about 3 days and see how it goes . I hope I probably faint or smt then it will be even better . Screw it , I know I'm damn fat ok but no need to tell me about my body fat , water this and that right . I've only one phrase to say ' Welcome to reality '

Ever and After says:
Am i v like pathetic
omg !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Fitness is Full of G A Y S says:
nope
Ever and After says:
phew : >
California Fitness is Full of G A Y S says:
just naive

Now I'm sure

2009-09-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Perfection

I want a change becos I badly need one .

You're my destruction

2009-09-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

Beauty

Hi I'm talking to val now cos she's being locked out in her house. After blogging this post I'm going to study . I'm having tuition almost everyday for all my subjects which Idk I think its rather cool ! I have nothing else to blog about anymore and I think from now onwards my post will be rather short like about a paragraph or so cos there's nothing interesting going on in my life for about 2 months or so . I can't wait for olevels to end then I'll be able to regain my so-call-freedom and do whatever things which I want to do which is a lot . That would be seriously fun ! I will be able to spend more time w my family and friends and probably be closer to all of them , I hope . I feel like eating tom yam or ban mian or you mian now cos its still my no.1 favourite food. I want to have a pet !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I need to get my book cos I want to read it so badly ( Omg since when I am like this , reading a book ? ) I want to watch movie , sleep , eat , read , play , shop .. ok I sound like a pig )

I'm lost in yr eyes

2009-09-14T04:01:00.000-07:00

Buried

Omg why do I feel so bad towards Sofea ? Anw yeah I've only 15 mins to blog cos I'm going to stick to my plan or rather my timetable or anything you call that to be. I don't think studying in school is a very good idea cos I'm not learning anything and I think tuition centres or home tuitions are getting more effective and it saves more time even though I'm wasting more money . Like my mother said , everything is an investment . So yeah , why not ? The best thing I like about my mum is that she's always so supportive no matter what excuse or reason I give , and that's why I love her a little more . But when she nags , its omggggggggggggggg . Ok I'm waiting for my dinner before I start to do my work again . I've a lot of unfinished work which that's why I seriously need a planner , timetable , organiser , folder , file , notebk or whatever it is just to make me more organised. I've this drive and motivation to just put in my best effort for olevels becos I don't want to regret becos I don't want to say I wish .. , becos I don't want to let some people down again . I must strive hard so even though my results are not v good at least I've really done my best and i'll continue to do so . I hope this will never end or maybe end after olevels or something becos I don't want to be drained out / burnt out or whatever again . It seemed as though I've finally pick myself up and I'm going to walk this journey with cuts or bruises but I don't care as long as I know you'll always be w me . Not physically of cos , but yr presence and soul will stay w me . I'm sure . So thank you becos of you I'll go the extra mile , becos of you I'll be better and stronger , becos of you I'll not escape anymore

This adrenaline rush is hard to explain
But I've decided to bury it all in my heart
I can shut my eyes real tight and pray so hard that you didn't exist
But when I open my eyes , I see the sight of you
Since I can't let you go ,
I'll keep you in my heart , always

Hi sofea ,
I know you'll probably hate me but I'm v sorry . I've decided ( sounds like I'm leaving you or something which is so not heheheehe ) I'm also going to msg you like 2 mins later or call you and i'm seriously quite scared so I'm keeping my fingers cross ......... ( First time I'm feeling this way ok )

Hi roanna ,
send me the song pls !!!!! And I'm saying hi through my blog so hope you can see it soon : >

2009-09-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Hideous

This journey is draining all my energy out .

2009-09-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Insignificant

I was toying w the new camera just now cos Idk it seemed to be for people like me to use it. The functions and everything are all so simple which makes things easier for a noob like me to use it. I bet sofea is now at ikea w her family , she better get me some sort of food or her so called stuff if not she's going to get it from me later. I seriously need to pack my cupboard and clear all my own things away becos Idk I just feel like clearing the old things away. I've decided to DISCARD my bangs from ytd onwards so yeah. I need to do a lot of things today or rather now , eg. to watch tv , to read newspapers , to try to jump so as to exercise a little , to bathe , to pack my stuff ...... Omg when will I have a freaking personal maid to attend to me and a chauffeur and a chef and and and .. I think I don't mind being a scientist now becos I seemed to have a lot of inventions to invent like how to score A1s so easily , how to choose yr own dream when you sleep , how to not to be stress , how to not be a weakling how to how to how to .. Anw I'm so happy becos I finally found my conditioner , my stupid sis lied to me ytd. So now I'm going to bathe ! Also I lost my black nalgene water bottle so my punishment from my mum is to use my bro's water bottle , urghhhhhhh its so damn horrible becos it seemed to be the imitation of my black nalgene and plus it has this really huge tag which says ' Nervin Siew , 1 Peace' . Damn , there goes everything HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA , I bet no one is going to share or use my water bottle anymore. ( And you should see how my bra-ther drinks ok ,~~~~~ ) Ok , I really don't know what am I talking but yeah I hope today studying will be productive or at least I think I'll just shut up the entire time so as to study . But how can I shut up when sofea's there omg , ok I need a plan and probably going to plan it out now so bye people !

Even if , I wouldn't mind at all

2009-09-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Fusion

Ever and After says:
ok
help me w my hair first
- says:
take lemon and orange juice
then you can have a fruity bath
Ever and After says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHA
Dramatic Irony says:
HAHAHAHAH
good one

I keep asking myself this question and I guess I'll never ever find an answer even till the day I die. And this question is : Why am I friends w Sofea and Valencia Tan ? HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA they're so evil , you can totally see the contrast if you see three of us being tgt. Omg , ok anw yeah I swear I'm not going to eat the damn tom yam again so ex plus I'm like paying for it so my tummy will ache . Omg damn . Anw I heard from val that cody is not too good and so I hope he'll be ok , ok must be ok cos he's val sweetheart and my lover . So basically yeah hehehehehe , omg ok yeah anw I think I'm finally done w Kris's pressie I'll soon write you a Happy Bday card and then pass it to you probably next week or so . I'm so xcited cos I hope she'll really like it . I totally need printer and conditioner cos if not I'll die . I survived through math and chem tuition again though I feel really dumb and all but its ok cos soon I'll memorise the whole freaking textbk. My tummy is really pain so I'm going to go off soon.

Starting to be yr shadow
Starting to not be so greedy
Starting to be selfless
Starting to wait
Starting to let you go

2009-09-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Morbid

I seriously have no idea what to blog becos life's really too ugly . Everything seemed to be really weird these days esp my mood to certain people. I used to anticipate the feeling of meeting new people , talking to strangers and doing things which people do not even want to do at all . But now its the opposite , everything is . I used to say no to ice-cream but today I eat a lot of them and I totally regretted .

ok edited :

YEAH , I totally regretted like crazy ok now I feel as if I'm a pig seriously . This is seriously crazy , I'm putting round round on repeat which is HAHAHAHAHA . I swear I think I'll not eat Ice-cream for like 3 months or smt , cos in the first place I don't even like ice-cream . And the flavours were so ew ok plssssssss , what coffee plus peppermint ? Chocolate didn't even taste like chocolate in the first place . But whatever I need to relieve some of this and I'm pathetic enough to do it on the ice-cream HAHAAHAHA . I remember some of the old tactics to relieve whatever stress we had when we were sec2 or so , some were like slashing which was so dumb ( but v in leh last time !!! ) , blasting the music like crazy ( still in ) , pulling a long face ( woah this one is the best ) . And I guess we just want a little more attention , we just want yr attention by doing all that . HAHHAHHAHAHA and pls next time if anyone is going to some place like yuki and yaki or seoul garden or whatever buffet cooking stuff , CAN YOU FREAKING TELL ME EARLIER BECOS I WANT TO WEAR MY EATING ATTIRE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg damn ok . Yesterday was bad , every day is bad or going to be bad whatever it is ok . Anw I woke up at 5 ytd to like what study for chem test omg which I think it totally didn't help cos i'm bound to fail it wth its so freaking hard ok . Yeah I WAS SAYING ( HAHAHAHAHA ) I skipped some chapters becos I think I shouldn't waste my time on other chaps and then focus more on the important chaps which all of them didn't come out . Some say chem is common sense , now I know what they're talking about .Ok , but I couldn't take it anymore so I went back to sleep once its like 7 or 8 HAHAHAHA , slept till 9 or 10 then continued to study and study and study while I was in the train when I met my secondary school friend it was so amazing ok !!!!! Yeah then when I reached my tuition place , hell began . I was supposed to go back home once my tuition end but I didn't cos I don't want to go back home and that I c no one at home except me I hate how that feels like except when I'm deprived of freedom. So I sort of escape to town where I thought I could find my joy , peace and laughter . But hell no ok . I met up w my cousins and someone else in town , didn't really do anything much walked around and then sat at coffee club . Was actually supposed to also search for kristy's pressie but in the end .... kekekeke . Then I msged my 2 bitches asking them if anyone of them are in town becos I could feel as if i'm dying . But then turns out no.1 b is not and the other one is . However the other one didn't really want to meet me becos she had something on . But in the end we met up , w some other people which was I think ok ? Yeah ok is the word . I feel quite bad becos I'm some sort of curt or rather my replies were curt and then it was totally obvious I was bored and all but whatever like as if I've the damn mood to make some new friends which is ? .... But its ok I just wanted to spend time w number 2 bitch if not I tell you ah she'll never even spend some time w us cos she'll be going to study w her C ( ffl ) friend and then if she want to party she will hang out w her church friends so whatever I've alr a back-up plan if she's out of this HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHA and I can go on and on about this matter .... ( eh number one bitch you're supposed to blog about this also ) Yeah , somehow I made both of them to go online becos of me ytd and we talked like crzy talked till all the cows come back home and it was funny or at least B2 is getting how B1 and I talk now . And don't talk about B1 cos she ditched us for her .... ( watch out ~~~ ) I need to do my math now becos my tuition teacher is coming at 1 which is like WTH cos I haven't do anything yet damn it

Never knew never expected never predicted it will hurt so bad
Love the love you've , Addy ?

Edited :
Somehow I think I'm beginning to blog more and more I guess I can never get enough in typing what I want to type . Whatever I will and going to study soon once I'm done w this . Anw I'm not going to see my phone anymore so if you want to contact me either through msn or house phone or facebk ok ? I pray that val's coming to my house soon , I hope she'll skip tuition but I highly doubt so .

Edited :
I think if my blog actually is alive , it will hate me like crazy . I need and want to continue typing cos if I don't , I really don't know if my mind will not go insane . Maybe in the first place , I don't even know why am I feeling this way . I have been searching , finding the perfect reason for me to be like this , I have even made use of a million stupid excuses to cover up everything . I'm probably still hiding , I've been hiding right from the start becos I hate to face it , I don't want to face you , I don't want to realize the fact that now you're gone . I've been trying so hard , to not let my tears fall in front of anyone , to fake a smile so you don't have to worry about me , to be honest with myself and say ok I might not be alright but hey yknow what , I'm ok or at least I'm going to be ok. But little did I know I don't know when will I be ok , I don't even if I will be alright I don't even know how to be ok . I've been thinking a lot , I've been wanting a lot more I've been hoping if things are different how would things actually be ? Something's missing , something's gone , something's lacking. I'm dying to find it back becos I can't go on like this , I want to make things right again . I need answers to my questions , but always I find nothing except things like ' Are you ok ? I hope you're alright etc' How badly I wish I didn't do the things which I did to you , somehow I wish you would read my blog and ask me a million questions which previously I would diss you and ignore you and ask you to mind yr own freaking business and get lost becos I need space , but right now I hope you get uptight about everything I've said , I hope you'll send me some stupid childish tips on everything , becos unknowingly I'm starting to read up on that, I hope you'll talk to me just like last time . I hope you're still the same becos I haven't changed .

Listen to yr heart

2009-09-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

Distance

Ok my eyes are going to shut anytime soon but I'm still going to blog becos I wanted to blog ever since like 12 pm but didn't get a chance to . I rushed through Json's work one or two hours before as usual. I really hate myself for like not being able to wake up early. I mean I do wake up early but then whenever I see its only 7 or 8 , I'll tell myself nevermind lah wake up so early also got nothing to do might as well sleep in . But wait a min man i've plenty of things to do which I totally just don't know and that I feel like kiling myself . I know everyone's mugging and I'm not I want to care so badly but somehow my mind is not working together w my heart my body as well as my soul . So forget it , I decided to let nature takes its own course . I went back to my grandpa's house today I wanted to visit my grandma becos things are not really too good and I'm a little worried . & it scares me everytime when I stare at my mum cos it will totally remind me of my popo - they look really alike no joke . I went for json today and I'm sorry to say I'm starting to dread tuition more and more becos I hate to be compared I hate to feel like a loser I hate to even act like a sore loser . WHY IS MY CHEM SO DAMN BAD , I asked myself . And becos I couldn't find any answer to my question I decided to leave it . I know he's trying very hard or his hardest to pressurize me but sorry its not working . I'm trying my best also but no its really not . What to do now , Addy ? I'm beginning to like train rides more and more esp long ones which I can sit becos only then my mind works and I seemed to feel normal . Other than that , I feel stupid , abnormal as my brain seemed to be filled w thoughts , thoughts of you . And that makes me sick .

Look at me now , look at what I've become

2009-09-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden , you realised you've been alone all this while

2009-09-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

Torn

I've been out ever since , or rather even if I stayed home my mind will be out too . I don't know how to deal w this and somehow I think I've alr gave up gave up on my studies gave up on love gave up of hoping you'll come back to me. I'm mentally drained and I'm just v tired I've this urge to sleep non-stop and to probably stop time cos I don't ever want to sit for my olevels . All my dreams are shattered , like as if dreams ever come true. I'm too sick to continue this journey I'll probably end it by myself . I wanted to believe so much in you in me and in everyone's hope and aspirations for me but I can't I can't . I'm still feeling suffocated I still want to see you more than anything other thing I still have so much to say to you I still don't want you to leave . Ok enough I'm stopping this .

Ok , let's talk about today . Today was cool it was ok or at least better I was out w Maureen right after my damn eng test met her in cityhall and damn I've this craving for Ice-cream and so we were walking around cityhall , bugis and other places . Ok but I mean it was fun cos we end up talking about the past and of cos gossiping about other people are still the best ! HAHAHAHA ( omg I sound super bitchy plus mean but I'm honest ) HAHAHAHA ok whatever and so we planned to study but it totally failed cos we ended up eating , eating and buying gifts so we're officially freaking broke to the max HAHAHAAHA you can't blame us seriously we only brought like what 15 and 10 bucks respectively . But I was v happy cos its my second time being early and I'm going to keep up the good work !!!! : > wl eh I think I sound freaking lame to the max ok . Ok whatever it is , we really had a lot of fun like how someone wants a freaking L superman tee-shirt for dance ????? She's weird seriously , and thank God in the end she didn't buy it PHEW . So we bought our teacher's day present , kristy's present and then we went to the mrt station to take some photos I can't really put it up cos its taken by my phone and I've lost the damn cable so yeah . C you soon tmr maur , hope you get well !!!

That's why you go away , that's why now I feel empty

2009-09-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

Temporary

Heyhi everyone , I know it has been long since I actually blog /posted anything . Anw I've to warn you that my laptop is a little cranky ok its actually not my laptop but its the keypad thing its really funny somehow all my letters are missing , letters like f and r totally missing if you don't believe you can see it for yrself later when I type cos yknow I don't like really edit my post after I finished blogging HAHAHAHA This period of time has been really heart wrenching for me , I've survived through a lot of 'this' period of time and somehow I hope I'll never get to see or attend 'this' anymore . It's not at all cool , it's torturing me mentally and physically . And sometimes I feel as if I'm losing myself or I'm crashed totally and it sucks it totally sucks . During this whole period of time when I didn't contact or talk to anyone about this matter at all , I've really been through a lot . It seemed as though i've learned a lot of things and gained experiences as well as exposure . Humans , are really interesting . Sometimes I ponder its better being dead becos you wouldn't be able to feel anymore becos you wouldn't be able to face such harsh and cruel reality and that could literally kill me . Before the day he passed away , he didn't tell me anything he didn't even have a chance to talk to me , he didn't even know I was there watching him from a safe distance , glancing at him through a glass panel . Like any other drama , its probably the time for people like me to place my hands or palms on the glass panel and break down into tears and sob and wail loudly . However , I didn't and I couldn't bring myself to . Becos I know it will hurt him even more to see me in this pathetic state so I held back my tears and utter the last word I could not even forget - ' gong' . From the day I was born , I called him 'gonggong ' I greeted him w utmost respect and has always admired him . It was not easy for someone back then to raise 7 kids , it was not easy at all for him to scrimp and save money to feed his children , it was difficult for him to search for jobs and to even to be willing to do anything in order to feed his 7 kids . My mother was one of them . Instead I've made a mistake , it's supposedly 8 of them . My mum said she used to have a sister but she met w some kind of accident and saying smt that got to do w her eye . And I didn't ask much ever since becos I know it hurts her. My mother was born in a v poor family but she received a proper education and was happy even though she was poor . If you give her another chance to choose if she would rather be born in a very wealthy family but she's the only child , I would say that my mother would still choose to live her life as a farmer's daughter , someone who could not afford to wear new clothes every chinese new year , someone who is so real and genuine when she receives anything just anything from anyone . Becos that was how she's brought up , and that's becos my grandfather said that even if they're poor , so what ? It doesn't matter at all . And thus , all of them lead a tough hard and difficult life , but they were all happy . They would joke about their childhood days , how they earn extra money by helping people to pick the chicken's egg , how they would actually fight becos of silly and childish stuffs and how they would love each other no matter what happen . My grandfather has indeed taught them well . On the first day , I saw many many people . We welcomed gong once he has arrived and when he did , many cried. It was then my job and everyone's duties started . It was also my only 7 days spent w him or to see him . I could not forget the entire setting , the place , the duties I'm supposed to do or to even help to do becos it all had become a normal routine for me . For me to go up to people I've never seen before and call them names in which my mother instucted me to , it was also normal for me to arrange the chairs and tables in a neat manner and made sure there's a plate of different seeds , red threads , peanuts and sweets on the table . Everything was such a blur , time seemed to be passng really fast and before I know it night falls and I didn't want to go up to sleep. Its not becos I'm fussy , spoilt or whatever I just don't want to leave him I just want to stand by his side and feel his presence stronger than ever. I stay awake for most of the nights and watch the fearful cat going in and out of place , I swear its so annoying ok esp black ones like wth are you doing here . But the best thing about staying up late is that you could spend a lot of precious time w yr cousins or people who are so dear to you . They're real fun to be w . However , there were a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings among many people . Whatever I don't wish to say anything about it becos I don't think I should and this matter is really wasting my time if I actually think about it or whatever . And the last day was tormenting , I witnessed the remaining of his shattered bones while I picked up the biggest piece to be placed in the temple . And that I hope he'll remain in peace , and that I hope he'll always remember me in his heart and that I hope to tell my children and my grandchilden or my great grand children about my grandfather. I realised after eveything is over or at least slightly over how many of us still can't get over him still can't get over this still can't let him go . I know I should let him go , but I can't I can't bear to not see him sitting on his green armchair whenever I come to visit him . Ok I really don't know what am I actually blogging but whatever . I really don't know why but times like this I yearn for yr company more , I want to speak to you so badly , I want to just hear yr voice and that I know everything would be fine and alright . But its ok , I mean what to do such things always happen to me . Am I too blind or do I not realise yr existance earlier ? Have I not made my stand or myself clear or have I choose to ignore my true feelings and still go for what I desire ? Have I treated you as someone who I would only turn to whenever I'm feeling down or in some kind of trouble ? Do I need you , right now or forever ? Wait a min , nothing lasts forever . And that's why I'm not doing anything . Lastly , I would like to thank everyone who has been here for me o rather always here for me . People like BB HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I can't bring myself to say ' I love you ' to you but I would like to say thanks from the bottom of my heart to you .

2009-08-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

Savour

Less than 48 hours , time's running out . Somehow I tried to do other things so that I wouldn't stare at the damn clock watching every second pass and praying he'll go off peacefully . It hurts me so bad to see him in this state . I wish he's going to recover I wish he will live longer I wish he'll be able to see me being a successful career woman I wish he'll be able to see me getting married I wish he'll be able to see me giving birth to his great grand children which it'll be Romeo and Juliet I wish he'll be able to tell me that I'm growing fatter and bigger every Chinese new year I wish he'll urge me not to eat so much cos fat girls do not appeal to boys I wish he'll tell me that he wants to eat mee goreng cos even though I can't cook that I'll still buy it or him I wish I wish I wish all my wishes will come true

I did a personality test w Nyein and Nicholas the other day , there's this question about if you're walking straight and suddenly you see a v huge wall and it seemed v tall which you couldn't possibly climb over and that it was smt like a dead end for you , what will you do ? I replied this ' I'm going to test the material of the wall first by pushing my hand against the wall , and then if I think the material is quite ok yknow like those soft hollow empty wall , then I'll bang my entire head against it '. And then it turns out that this question was actually asking you indirectly how would you actually face death . I know some of you probably would say wth no link leh whats the link between connection and wall , I think the wall acts like a v huge and big obstacle which is like how you'll face death which is going to be a v huge and big obstacle too . My sis said she'll turn back which means she'll actually avoid it , another friend said he'll continue and try his best to climb over the wall even though he knows v well its kind of impossible which means no matter what he's still going to give it a shot , remain optimistic and positive , hoping for a miracle to occur . Nyein said she'll just sit there and do nothing . Till now I still can't believe I said I'll test what kind of material the wall is made of first , I can probably infer that I'm those kind who would want to test the power or whatever skill death actually has then make my decision . But i death suddenly comes knocking on yr door , what will you really do ? Sofea probably say AIYA , IDK , say a stupid ans and continue it by saying I AM JUST SAYING . My mum once said this to me , like an apple on a tree , when its spoiled , old , rotten it'll automatically drop off from the tree. When its time , she says we'll have to let go . Let go of everything and let nature takes its course . Then you'll feel hopeless , helpless and loneliness surrounding you . Slowly , they'll suffocate you till you can't breathe . You probably need some time alone to settle out yr thoughts and feelings . Feelings are scary , real scary . Ok , time for my bro's medicine !

I choose to climb over the wall , even though I'll fail eventually .
I choose to climb over the wall , despite knowing that I'll suffer from the physical injuries
I choose to climb over the wall , even if it's unbearable and torturous for me
I choose to not give up and be positive
I've chosen

2009-08-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hi , today was a really cool day I think

Firstly grad day wasn't as screwed as I think it was going to be like , but ok I got that damn msg ( I'M DAMN FAT AND I FREAKING NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT OK OK OK ) Omg damn it , whatever it is I don't really like to talk right now cos I've this huge ulcer on my gums its damn painful and that's why sofea I didn't call you , sorry . HAHAHAHA anw I rushed and went for tuition today maur wasn't there but there was nyein , j'son was such a cheater cos he switched the timing of the clock and lesson ended real late ok pls. But it was ok , we had a lot of catching up to do we talked till the cows came home. Then , I went along w nyein to meet nicholas and he's damn joke freaking joke serious . Like how he actually say ' Righttttt' and he's hand signal is really the bomb ok HAHAHAHAHAHA ok I don't really want to talk about it anymore .

2009-08-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

If only , if only

I think I haven't been really blogging these few days . But I mean come on you can't blame me , I was / am busy and still going to be . Its just that I know I got to spend some time blogging cos I really can't wait when olevels is over and I can read my blog and laugh at all the stupid little things which I'm really stressed and pissed about . HAHAHAHA yeah I was really tired today but I still managed to survive through whatever night study except that I can't really concentrate becos no offence but the view was horrible horrible to the max . I can't take it when I look up and I feel utterly grossed out and when I kind of turn slightly facing to the left , it irks me totally , completely . I know its wrong to say that , or probably mean but you started it first . Everything was yr fault , not mine . I had never feel this way so strong towards someone before and that really allow me to know the word ' hate' much better . Everytime when you appear right infront of me , I would hold my breath cos I really don't want to breathe the same air as you do , at least not w you . I feel as if I'm suffocating if I do that , whatever you just groas me out completely yucks I really hope I live to that day in which I see you getting yr karma really .

Anw I would really like to thank maureen and angela su for helping me w my graduation stuffs . Thanks maureen for like yknow going into every shop checking out if there's white dress for me we nearly walked in and out of all the far east shopping mall ok pls and it was really no joke cos its tiring to the max . And angela for waiting for me at anchorpt even though i'm alr so late.

I don't really have any more thing to say cos I need to get back to the mugging mode alr omg but I seriously need my sleeping mode first tmr's emath paper 1 mock exam . HOW COULD MR LAU JUST TELL US LIKE WHAT ONE DAY BEFORE ITS SO UNFAIR OK PLS . Yeah whatever it is , luckily school starts at 8 thank God . Anw I'm really shocked and also v disappointed for my prelim results . Why is it like this ? Plus , my mum's still telling me that I can get 7 A1s for her , I smirked and walked away. Its not as if its impossible , but its just seemed impossible . Obviously who wouldn't be happy getting 7 A1s ? I would !!!! But you've to work v hard for it , cos in this world there's no such thing as free . So now I'm off to work hard to earn some lunch , dinner , breakfast , supper , tea-break and others . : >

Ps ( My earplugs are dead one side is dead I'm so desperate to get a new one pls and I just bought a new notebookie : > )

2009-08-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

Crossroads , its just you and me

I seriously am very into Kite Runner and its really really good . I can't wait to watch the movie even though I'm still hesitating whether to watch it or not . But its a really good book hopefully after I'm done w the KR fay will be able to lend me A thousand splendid suns and that would be extremely great ok !!!! Aiya i wanted to blog about ytd I want to say how great it was and all but I've utterly no mood . I hate this feeling this feeling of being so messed up and when argh I dont know how to say it . I FREAKING DONT KNOW WHERE TO GET MY WHITE DRESS AND MY MUM IS NOT GOING W ME YKNOW WHAT I KNOW I PROBABLY SOUND LIKE A SPOILT BRAT BUT WHY MY SIS ALWAYS GET MY MUM'S COMPANY , MY MUM WOULD SHOP W HER AND EVERYTHING ELSE I KNOW MY MUM IS BUSY W MY GRANDPA AND I SHOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP FEELING THIS WAY WHY AM I ALWAYS DOING ALL THESE THINGS LIKE EITHER ALONE OR W MY FRIEND WHY NOT W HER DAMN IT FOREVER AIYA I DAMN BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY AIYA IDK LAH ANYTHING LAH FRIEND THEN FRIEND ALONE THEN ALONE I DONT BELIEVE I CAN'T DEPEND OR DO IT BY MYSELF I CANT TAKE IT I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE WHATEVER I DONT EVEN DAMN IT FEEL LIKE GOING STUPID YEAH FOREVER ASKING ME TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF HER SITUATION AND ALL THEN WHO THE HELL WILL UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION AND HOW BADLY I YEARN TO CHOOSE MY DAMN GRAD DRESS W YOU DAMN IT SERIOUSLY FOREVER SAYING LIKE ITS ALL MY FAULT AND MY STUPID BRO WTH STUPID ALR STILL DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID ALR STILL DONT WANT TO STUDY STUPID ALR STILL SO SLACK STUPID ALR STILL HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE LAZY DAMN IT HOW STUPID DO YOU WANT TO GET I HATE THIS AGE GAP THING I CANT EVEN SEEMED TO TALK TO HIM AND HELLO I'M ONLY BACK HOME LIKE WHAT LESS THAN AN HOUR AND I'M ALR FEELING THIS WAY DAMN
and yknow what whoever you are , you're such a damn damn damn person which idk how to describe you , I wish you good luck in all the things you've ever done to hurt me or anyone . You'll really have karma just wait and see , opps sorry I mean I'll wait and see .

2009-08-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

Shattered

I'm sorry I didn't really complete my post ytd . I just want to start on another new post cos Idk why and don't ask me why . But I'll still continue to blog about ytd and everything else . However I've a lot of things to complete / do today . My mum has asked me to visit my grandfather today , I don't really like visiting people in the hospital because of a lot of bad experiences what more I'm going alone . I think I'll probably wait for my sister to go w me tgt tmr or smt . I just had my prelims as in its finally over , but there's still mock and olevels. It's really fast , really . Just like what Mr Pat Ng said , blink yr eyes a few more times and olevels is here . I know it is alr here but somehow right now I feel so weak in all my subjects , seemed as if I'm not prepared . I mean I know I'm not smart alr , plus I'm not even hardworking so yeah sometimes I don't really think I deserve a good grade or a high score . But whatever it is , I'm still going to work hard for everything . Because if I don't I know I'll regret it real bad . And I so don't want to , I mean the feeling sucks esp when I'm a person who really believes in how I feel towards everything . Suddenly , I thought of that stinky taxi-driver , I hate it when people doubt my intelligence or I mean whatever it is , he thinks he's so smart , snorty ass high and mighty what shit when I'm sorry to say this but you're just a taxi-driver . I know what's service and what's not . So just shut up when I ask you to and just shut up pls . Omg , I can't stand it when I'm in the taxi and my cramps are freaking pain and he just talk all day long . It really drives me insane crazy and I almost lose my cool again ok . Anw forget about him , I'm going to meet sofea and val today but I'm a little afraid that Idk like what happened ytd this is really pms ok I really did try but I can't help it if my cramps , mood and a lot of other factors are all like mixed tgt and the end products = negative . And that's why I'm sorry about esp to the clique . I know that not my entire clique will be reading this because some of them don't even have access to my blog but whatever it is I wanted to actually msg yguys I felt really bad about my attitude and behaviour ytd but in the end I didn't and that's because I don't know what to say as in I didn't want to text a sorry msg to all of yguys to make me to feel better so I decided to leave it , leave this guilt and whatever it is with me till my bday is over cos I really deserve it . I know its very obvious when I'm happy , excited , upset , angry , pissed annoyed or whatever it is and I know yguys actually can tell that I'm not reallly ... Idk what's that word , probably enjoying myself or smt but I really did as in I couldn't really show it out cos I'm feeling uncomfortable with myself , weather and its really not yr fault . I was feeling really touched by everything and I'm even more apologetic towards roanna and stacy cause they were the organisers and just because I was slightly early and they were late so I got angry and all . Sorry , I didn't know that yguys were alr at Botanical Garden and rushing back to town to pick me up . I'm sorry , even though I know its not an excuse but I rarely am like this really . Aiya I'm damn sick of everything but I was really happy ytd . I love the bday shades , the crown I love the shades the best ok I love the black bangle the most I love the birthday box I love the food so damn much I love it I love the chicken the beehoon ( Keke sounds like Jihoo) I love the fishballs so much I love the board I love and appreciate ALL the hard work and effort yguys put in , like how adeline dress how yguys woke up really early to prepare all the food , how yguys brought the food to the botanical gardens how yguys even bother to create my 'tea party' how yguys still came even for awhile when yall have to rush for tuition , thankyou really . And thankyou sofea , I love the bday cards ever cos its made by you and only you and I'm really touched , thanks for coming to meet me in town ytd it was really a surprise and I love you even more for that . I really don't know why am I saying this but its rare so sofea you better copy and paste it in our ' burn ' book . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHERE IS OUR BURN BOOK LAH BITCH HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA . I love my clique's presence , I love to be the 'leader' of the clique , I love my special perfect 10 cos we're all perfect !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like how stacy's really hardworking and neat and organise , how roanna is always looking pretty and generous , how daphne gan is always nice and turning up for whatever event , how daphne ng always encourage me and listen to all my rantings and going swimming w me ( i love swimming w you ) , how adeline is always so nice to everyone and really sweet eg she would make all of us things for valentine's day or christmas , how fay will always be so helpful eg encouraging me to not give up in math to help me with whatever math question i've , how delores always look so cute so adorable so sweet just like a bear and I always want a cuddle from her , how natusmi and megumi are one of us , contributing whatever they can / have to the clique . Lastly , I really love the clique . Ok anw tea party was awesome the presents were awesome too. If not for my cramps ytd night I would have called people up to chat and count down ok , but its ok anw I'm 16 now !!!!!!!!! Cooliozxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxzxxzxzxzxzxx O and thankyou everyone for their bday wishes and text msges , I replied everyone but it was kind of late : < Anw HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIENNA ! I LOVE YOU ( kekekeke this sounds retarded ) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but they always say that I mean its always happy birthday and a I love you .

The Perfect Company

2009-08-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

22 August 2009 :
I'm going to continue this post till this day is over . I hope I've a lot of things to say or type or whatever cause I don't ever want to forget today . I thought today was going to be really bleak and uninviting just like the grim expression of a doc ( HAHAHAHA sofee will laugh at this ) but its different once I check my phone. I was really shocked !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for all those really really sweet msges , it really did make my day today : > At least the starting of it . I can't describe how this feels but I could only say its S-H-I-O-K . What's even more touching was that when I checked what time did everyone send their happy bday msges to me , most of them sent it at 11.57 , 12 sharp or whatever . Omg i'm seriously damn touched ! Not to mention that I thought some people will not remember / bother about my bday but they did they remember which really made me feel glad . And obviously , thankyou sofea for calling my house at 12.00 to wish me happy birthday , it was really sweet though I was about to sleep . HAHAHAHA I don't want to mention names of people who text me because I would have personally say thankyou by replying and calling them . Ok , so that's all for the morning . Roanna and Stacy still have not contact me about the time , venue and all yet . Wl eh , last time whenever we organise smt they'll remind , nag , reassure me to be on time and everything . Now they don't even say anything at all ! What are they seriously up to man !!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE PLACE AFTER MY TUITION . OMG TUITION OK BYE I NEED TO COMPLETE MY WORK OR I'M SCREWED . LUV YGUYS A LOT , BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FOR NOW .

2009-08-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

Its going to be 22 August in a few hours time , I hope its still not too late to wish .
I'm not going to say much because I need to complete my chem hw if not tmr I'm screwed. I'll be posting up pictures w people I really love a lot and I know I can't do without them in my life . At this age , I know some friends will come and go , but true friends will stick w you forever . As much as I hope these people will stick w me forever , my wish is that on 22 August tmr , I'll get to meet up w all the people here . I know it seemed impossible and all , but its a wish . Ps ( And they always say wishes never come true ) So I'm going against that saying , praying w all my heart to see these people tmr . I don't care if its accidentally I meet them in town or smt but yeah omg HAHAHAHAHAHA . These people are really people in my life and without them it seemed as if I don't know or can't breathe anymore . They're not only my oxygen , but my air . As I've learn from chem that oxygen only takes up a small percentage of air . HAHAHA , and also pls get me many bday cakes even though I don't really like cakes but I'll definitely eat it this time round . I'll tell everyone the reason why after my bday is over cos it's a secret !!!! : > Anw here I am wishing myself a very happy 16th bday !

Ps ( I'm actually still quite .... cos tmr perfect 10's v busy and only roanna and stacy are free to company me . Thankyou the dudes are still the sweetest as ever , but the others watch out I swear , MWAHAHAHAHAHA . Wl eh of all days you all ALL have tuition or else not free tmr ah ! Fay's exusable ok but others like Delores Peck you watch out seriously , HAHAHAHAHAHAHA )

2009-08-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

Best ever

I totally screw up my chem paper . Aiya whatever I'm screwing everything up . Blame it on me seriously , I love tom yam so much and I've been eating it since ... And yeah really I had a damn tummy ache when I was doing my chem paper . Shithell ok , so I didn't complete A LOT of questions or else I guessed a lot , so whatever . Anw , I still have not found my grad dress which means there's a higher chance of me not going . But I want to go !!!! I'm alr not going for my prom night cos it's freaking in school , I would seriously sleep than to pay forty plus to attent prom in school . WHY MUST IT BE WHITE DAMN IT .

Ok , I'm so happy now cause its 10.45 and I'm at home . I'm going to sleep first , I love sleeping ok . Then i'll complete , or at least try to complete ALL my damn freaking tuition hw . Cause I don't want to wake up on a sat morning to complete all my hw . Plus I've tuition on a fri night so I can't possibly complete my work on that day. Ok , I really don't see why we should go to school tmr , I hope and keep my fingers cross they'll not go through ANY of the prelims papers cause I'm going to suck like mad . I'm also going to read through my oral booklet and try talking to myself so as to prepare myself for tmr eng olevels . And then I'll sleep again ^^^^

Ps I can't stand my bro he is damn bad to my mum

2009-08-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Sick

I really don't want to get back Chinese olevel result tmr , its just like facing reality . Aiya whatever it is , I can't be bothered and I don't want to be bothered . So what if I do really badly , I'll try I guess ? Whatever

2009-08-18T04:10:00.000-07:00

I , didn't get in

2009-08-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

My hopes are gone , just like you , gone forever

Sometimes , I really hate to be myself

2009-08-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

Hi
I totally hate this week
Why do I have so many things to do
Like to study for prelims
And to watch my damn tv show ( I swear I want to watch it so badly )
And to finish up ALL my tuition hw ( I HATE TUITION )
And there's chem spa which I totally detest
And there's eng orals ( WTF )
And also , we're getting our chinese results which I think I will totally suck totally take my result slip and run to the school toilet crying , I think I'll probably even not go out from the school's usual exit . I may choose to go out of school like yknow the track / green lodge or to even roll down the slop which is link to the canteen . WHY DIDN'T I STUDY HARD FOR DAMN CHINESE WHY WHY WHY
I hope this week pass really soon , cause I don't want to feel this way

2009-08-15T07:57:00.001-07:00

Dramatic Irony. says:
yes i like you too

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH , THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW THIS NOW HAHAHAHHHAHAHHA

2009-08-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

This is for my bestest friend ever ps ( only in secondary school ) :

: >

2009-08-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm annoyed and pissed
I want to get out of my house and get somethings
But I'm just too lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2009-08-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

I'm alive , but I'm losing all my drive

I realised that my blog posts are all really long . I know no one is going to read it , but whatever it is I'm still going to continue . I've to confess that my fringe is really damn long right now , my pimples are all popping out like popcorns , there seemed to be some bug on my skin cause I feel itchy whenever and I'll scratch like nobody's business and my hair seemed to be v dry and ew and OMG I NEED A BREAK . Actually , I don't think I want a break I kind of like it when my day / time speeds up so fast . Sometimes I feel as i I can't keep up , sometimes I feel as if i'm going to suffocate soon . But now I'm liking it so i don't really need to bother what to think / do cause I know I need to eat (vital) , sleep and study . Today was the most scariest day you could say cause I really felt as if i've no confidence in math at all . Whatever it is , it didn't really scare me that badly . The best thing of all , I totally didn't freak out . My mood was like the o-just-do-it-anw-bound-to-fail , HAHAHA . And tuition was good today in fact real good , if I ever have a poly friend / chinese speaking friend , I pray that person would be exactly like Nicole . I miss her so freaking much and today we finally got to talk . 2 hours ok , we didn't do anything but talk and talk . It was so fun , she remembered all the things we shared !!!! And she totally started singing songs by fergie etc cause I used to sing it to her last time ( I know its gross ) AHAHAHA . I need to watch some movies cause I just need to . I need to buy some clothes cause i need to also even though i'm huge but whatever at least it makes me happy . Aiya , I don't feel like blogging alr cause I want to phone instead . Check yr phone people !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS NEXT WEEK SERIOUSLY - PRELIMS , MOCK SPA , ENG ORAL . I HATE IT SO MUCH SO BADLY IT CAN JUST KISS MY ASS AND SCREW IT OFFFFF

2009-08-12T04:57:00.000-07:00

Bittersweet

I really should not be blogging right now because I still got to study for a lot o papers eg lit paper 1 tmr which consists of TKMB as well as unseen prose and poetry. I'm not really scared for lit tmr as you can see I'm rather relax . I think there's no one really online or their status is busy as there's bio paper 2 and lit paper 1 tmr , that xplains why. Yknow I kind of think that having major exams / prelims are actually good / useful / effective . I'm beginning to like it more and more . I love it when you're done w the paper and you could say goodbye to the classroom and walk out o it immediately . Its cool , isn't it ? I think we should have prelims like what every 2 weeks , I'm just suggesting . I mean at least it really made us to glue our ass on our chair to memorise and to study .

However I swear that i'm going to screw up my prelims this time round . I know I always say that , but its true . I think I'm going to screw up every paper be it whatever exam it is . Esp for chem . Its so stupid , how can I be so blind to leave a freaking 4 marks question OMG , I didn't even know I left it out until daph and ro were talking about it . Like hello , I know 4 marks is not a lot but ok to me its a lot . For some reasons , I think I'm going to keep all my marks to myself this time round which means I'm not going to bother about how others score and I'm not going to tell others my ugly scores . I mean come on , eng is alr screwed , math is even worse ( paper 2 kills ) and let's not talk about amath seriously because a min C6 and above is just insane , I think I'll really comfort myself even if I get a what f9 so good luck to me . I thought of skipping Amath paper this time round because anw I'm bound to fail . But its ok , I must be ' brave ' ???? Since I've alr took the subject , let's see how badly I can do . I'll still try my best but whatever it is , just let it be whatever it is ( HAHAHAHHAHAHA ) I think i'm really starting to like to study or look at my books , its cool like you recap everything you've been learning for the past dk how many years , go for the freaking damn exam and see how badly you'll do , how sucky you are , how lousy grades you can get . I know after olevels , my life'll seriously change . I predict what my life is going to be if I'm staying in S'pore . In actual fact , I think I'm going to stay in S'pore even though my aunty is asking us like where are we going or where do we want to go after my olevels . I wouldn't mind actually going to other countries w my family or my cousins esp melina because I would really want to spend some time w her . I picture us laughing when we get into our hotel rooms ( for dk what reasons , seriously ) and how I will not bathe unless she's in the same toilet I mean same toilet cubicle as me . That means she'll get to hear my shit dropping or to listen to all my rantings when I'm bathing . Its so weird and scary esp in hotel rooms ok , a lot of things happen . Just watch some scary movies and you'll realised what I'm talking about . Anw , I think I was feeling really cranky today thus I ignored a lot of people when they call me . I didn't really feel like answering them even though I think I heard them calling me . I know I'm being such a bitch and all , but I can't help me . All I need is some peace and tranquility before my exams esp when I'm feeling to vexed and nervous about it , I guess people should just leave me alone . I felt really bad towards Simswen and Jolene esp cause yeah sorry if I replied you in that kind of tone . I still remember Simswen asked me if I have any strings or not or smt , then I was like ' What , I thought I gave you alr ' Yeah I remembered saying 'what' a lot of people .

Ok omg I'm feeling damn it pissed , annoyed and mad right now . My damn bro just pointed his freaking middle finger at me I got so mad when I see it I swear I even had the thought of plucking his finger out using any or whatever equipment . When I'm angry ( mostly towards my bro ) I really see / feel a resemblence between my father and I when he scolds me everytime or rather mostly last time . I tried to fight the anger by asking myself to calm/ cool down but cannot I usually can't I would just burst out screaming at my bro or threathening him by all those threats I can think of right on the spot. And now , I realised how much my bro would have hate me right now , just like how last time I used to hate my dad for scolding me shouting at me and all . Whatever it is , I know its my duty as a sister to teach him well . So I guess I don't really bother about him hating me , is this how my father felt last time too ? Those kind of even though yknow that person is going to hate you or not talk to you but because you love and care too much so you're freaking bothered and all . I mean if a unknown kid was to point his damn bloody fingers at me , I would have be really bitchy , telling his mum or whoever or to even scold him and make sure tears would come out from his eyes . I certainly wouldn't stop scolding or talking to him if I don't see tears . Tears represent a lot of things , esp sadness or guilt . And the only evidence is a kid crying , kid knows nothing about trying to control its tears or to fake tears for some purposes so its true . What got me real mad is when I hate it when my bro treats my sis like a freaking maid / servant or rather treats himself like a big king . Sorry to say but he's so not . That's why he never fails to bully my sis always asking her to do things for her and never say thank you and pls. I hate it so damn much but my sis would say ' Aiya nevermind lah , its ok one ' What is it to be ok about , I know I sound really like ms pissy , ms mind-everyone's-business , bossy , petty person but seriously what I'm going to say is if he's not my bro , I would not bother and I would just treat it as that person is ill-mannered and all . It scares me so much like wth is young kids learning , my bro is only p1 , p1 ok and he knows how to point a middle finger when he's mad . Then what about p2 ? Learning how to say the f word under circumstances , then what about p3 , joinging a gang , then p4 ? Learning how to smoke , then what about p5 , get into serious gang fights and finally p6 o he'll get a job like smuggling drugs . Like hello , its so scary , maybe its the age gap or maybe its a neighbourhood thing or maybe its just the damn friends he mix w . But I can't help worrying and I am really paranoid . I mean like hello , I only used the word 'stupid' when I'm p3 , I could still remember how and why I've learned it . But I shall not go into that . And just now when he told my mum ' what the hell ' I know he learned that from my sis and me , I told him not to use it on my mum because we don't . I asked him why he used it , he said it makes him feel happier and better when he's mad . I nearly fainted . I explained to him a whole lot of crap like in the whole big entire world , we can do the most craziest thing except treating our mother really bad , she's everything to me . At least to me . I mean ask yrself what can you do without yr mum , and yeah you got yr answer . I was trying real hard not to lose my cool but I did in the end , I ended up screaming shouting nearly fighting w my bro . Should I thank myself for lifting weights last time , that's why I always win . No I should not , hello thanks to lifting weights , I've big broad fat shoulders and arms , whatever you call it . I think i'm starting to blog nonsense cause I'm stilll really mad and angry . And now my bro is telling my mother the middle finger acts like a gun , yeah gun . I'm a 16-year-old , does he even know that ? I may not know everything , but I do know that was a middle finger .

Whatever it is , I'm so pissed right now I think I can swallow a cow to control this anger in me . And I'm going to end my post right now . Gdbye

2009-08-09T20:45:00.001-07:00

Hanging

Ok I guess I've finally 'found' my daily routine . When I wake up , I'm going to read the papers . Next I'll have my breakfast and then I'll use my laptop . Its great using it at this timing cause there's no one online at all or at least no one will disturb me while I'm blogging . I kinda of dislike that , it disturbs me. I'm going to be v screwed for prelims or olevels if I continue to behave like this as in not really behave behave , but maybe if I don't do smt to my life right now I know its going to be really screwed .

As much as I hate to say this , but I'm not putting in my best effort at all. I seemed to lost the interest in studying , ( ok its not as if I've one ) But I remember I usually have one thousand and one or even more questions to ask anyone to can ans me . Also , I love the starting of a new chap of whatever , be it math or other subjects . Its just so fun , isn't it ? However now when everyone is mugging , sometimes I feel as if its really stupid . We're just like putting in our best effort , mugging , forcing ourselves to study because of the damn grade , and obviously no one likes to lose so yeah competition yeah . Its not about the passion to learn anymore . Maybe this's Singpore.

I had wasted one whole entire day ytd doing all my chem papers , but it was freaking hard . As I'm still at a loss to figure out how the hell am I supposed to do some of the questions . Its so damn it hard , seriously . Its just the feeling which you really want to give up , but you are still hanging there encouraging yrself its ok , maybe er you should do this and that and all then maybe you can get the damn ans . I'm so annoyed that I switched to E.Math immediately . I know this year prelims would suck real bad . I wanted to skip all the Math papers cause I don't want to even feel stupid . But whatever it is , I'm just going to glue my damn ass on the chair and probably sleep if I really don't know how to do at all . I mean c'mon , getting a min grade of C6 means you're on the right track to olevels . Then what if I get F9 , its only 2 grades away , does it means that I just need to work A LITTLE harder and I'll be on the right track too ? Its stupid , it will make me feel even worse , whatever at least I still feel .

I think my throat's going to give me some problems again . Cause when I kind of stop eating my antibiotics , my throat's pain again . I thought drinking more water would help but hell no its not . Its pain pain pain . PAIN ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ( HAHAHAHA ) Whatever it is , I think eating medicine and everything else is such a trouble . So I would rather just let nature take its course . HAHAHA ok I need to do some math if not I'm going to screw this up big time .

Anw , pls help me w this chem question : carbon monoxide can react w steam to give carbon dioxide and hydrogen gas. A tempt of 350 degree celsius is used . Is this reaction exo or endo . Xplain yr ans . AIYA , help me w this question !!!!!!

2009-08-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

Hello test test

2009-08-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

My dreams will wait for me

Happy Bday , Singapore ! I woke up at 8 plus today , remembering its my country's bday today . Its not usual for me to do the things I'm doing right now , which is logging in youtube and playing the song kit chan's singing - Home . Also , I've been reading the newspaper . I think its smt like 44 things why you should love S'pore . When I was reading the papers , looking at different videos on youtube right now , I question myself : Do I really love my country ? And I realised I think I do . I mean even though I always lament or complain about the government , the education system and how Singporeans are so kiasu , so unfriendly so annoying but I'm after all a Singporean . Its not as if I didn't place tissues in any kopitiam or coffee shop so as to reserve my space , its not as if I didn't cut the queue before , ok I only do it when I'm really desperate ok ( HAHAHA ) But still , I guess that's actually why I love Singapore . I like it how we talk in Singlish , how we have different funny names like ' WALAO EH , SO KAPO ' and not forgetting all our ' AIYA DONT KNOW LAH ' I mean isn't it cool , its not proper english but so what its a language which bond us together , this could even be a common language common thing for us . I think my favourite national day song is still ' Where I belong ' by tanya chua , the others are seriously idk i don't want to say its sucky but yeah. And actually I would want to ask my friends what do they like about S'pore . I'm really curious about sofea's ans , she would probably say 'AIYA' and that's it . Roanna would say ' the food ' actualy I'm quite sure its the food . So yeah , this's a short msg to show my dedication , commitment and all the other values to Spore - by watching some videos and singing it all by myself infront of the pathetic laptop where my mum and sis thinks i'm probably mad .

I was given a task to complete , to write an essay . And the title is - Home . WHOA , I really have no idea how to even begin , I mean come on its not easy to write the topic Home . But I guess even though we have different definitions of home , we know that home is somewhere where we'll feel at ease or to know that's a place we know where we actually belong . However sometimes I do feel out of place , even though I'm in Spore . One such place is : Bugis street . I totally don't feel as if i'm in spore , probably some kind of foreign land . Don't ask me why its just the feeling . That's why I conclude sometimes I'm really weird , I mean sometimes . Maybe its due to the fact which I actually trust my feelings more than any other things . I know this about myself and yeah I guess its weird but friends who really stick w me are always based on my feelings . Wait , i guess that's really vague and complicated . What I meant simply is I make friends or do smt weird and unexplainable due to how I feel and it always depends on my mood . Like how I was so frank and honest towards roanna , showing off my idk-anything-you-want attitude , I bet she probably got a shock of her life. Yeah , people who don't know me probably think ew i'm a weirdo . People who know me will know this is really me so they'll just leave me alone . On the other hand , feelings are so weird and when sometimes you lose control of how you actually feel or you don't even know how you're feeling anymore , that is the time when you're officially lost . And then you'll again need a light to guide you through yr period of darkness HAHAHAHA sofee will surely laugh at this , trust me .

Ok , happy bday Singapore !

2009-08-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

My heart , is heavy

I'm sureI've a lot o things to blog about however when I reached home from Bishan , I'm really feeling xhausted . Right now I'm just totally looking forward to sleep sleep and sleep . I probably would take the easier way out , slash myself till blood's trickling so I'll be forever sleeping , forever in my dreamland . But its stupid , you got to learn to face it face it . When it scares right at you , and tellling you you only have 75 more days to go , each day every hour min and sec is precious . In contrast , I seemed to be wasting all these precious time of mine . Like now , how I'm gluing my big piece of ass on the computer chair , blogging away . Sofee says my blog post can be written as a life story , this is probably chap 2 HAHAHAHA . How cool is it if yr life's xactly like what's written inside the storybk , those everyday thing could be one chap of yr book . Seemed cool . That's why they say life's like a drama , now yknow why .

Aiya whatever i dont feel like blogging anymore so forget it let the pix do the talking HAHAHAHA

2009-08-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

Its too much , too much to bear
The consequences

I've just spent Idk how long talking to my tutor. I always have mixed feelings whenever I talked to him , but yeah it was the longest irst msn conversation I ever had w him . But it was cool , really , Anw I said i'll post everyday and so i'll even if i'm like really tired and all , cause I must walk my talk . HAHAHAHHA be responsible to the things I've said. This sounds stupid . I'm going to school tmr which is stupid-ER HAHAHAHHAHHA cya

2009-08-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

Blink unblink blink unblink
Yeah you're back on the same spot

I really dk what am I doing right now . Everyone's studying and mugging for prelims and I'm gluing my big fat ass on the chair , blogging . I decided to blog everyday now because Idk after olevels its goanna be so cool just looking back on all the i'm-so-stressed posts HAHAHAHA I swear i'll definately laugh . Ok , today I went to school , there were so many absentees ok , no serious ( but like as if I care anw) Yeah roanna and I were laughing at someone in our class who wrote on the board 'we need a bigger board to write all the names of the absentees' Its so dumb , class was seriously boring it was a total waste of my freaking time . I couls speak but it was still pain . Now's better everytime when I sleep it seemed to be magic . I'm not going to eat anymore pills or whatsoever because its so not helping . Lets take today as an eg . My stomach was still pain like crap , I need to shit damn badly and my stomach swell like a pigass when I haven't even taken my lunch and all I've eaten today is porridge . I mean look , it doesn't make sense at all. That's why I'm still sticking to my self-medicate , self-heal kind of concept . Till now , my tummy still hurts.
But I mean school was at least ok cause there's daphne and roanna . Yeah yeah I know I haven't been turning up for school but from now onwards , I'm not goanna skip anymore . Mr lau was saying ' Eh you all take turns one ah ' and ' Pls , do not skip my math class , ok , if you skip my math class then who is going to teach you . Its not some kind of humanities subject or whatever which you could sit down , memorise and study for one day . ' Immediately after I hear that , I totally swtich my mode to the ok , I got it . I mean I'm not trying to be mean here and I'm not trying to say this to any teacher or whatever but yeah c'mon I've a million teachers teaching me since the day I was born . And they tell me the same , xact old thing . They always say how important their subject is and how much effort we should put into that particular subject. Eng , we can't afford to fail it . Math , if we don't pass we can't even get into poly , so let's not talk about JC . Humanities , its the easiest subject to score , somethings are just common sense . And I forgot to say I totally don't have common sense. Chinese , its our mother tongue we've been studying and learning that since we were as young as Idk when we're born ? Science ( Chem ) - Yeah , D.L will tell you how much this subject means to her . In conclusion , why don't they just say that ALL the subjects are important and we must score but their subject which they're teaching are the MOST important cause they're teaching it ? Yeah whatever it is , that's why I choose to ignore . I mean I'm not dumb , I know what they mean but I don't intend to give myself uneccessary toruble , stress or headache. So I'm just going to leave it . I'm probably even intending to actually think that I'm just going to put in my best efort for olevels , whatever results I get its not important because I've done my best . Bullshit , I'm probably going to get a F9 for all my subjects and cry all day long .
So , during CME roanna and daphne were talking about 22 Aug . Sounds stupid yeah but they were talking about it . Roanna started it first , in her dude's tone she said ' Er daphne , I think 22aug ah we planning clique outing right ' I was really xcited and happy but sadly they didn't include me in this outing , they said what 22 Aug is they day they're going to kick the leader out of the clique. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA I swear people who don't know anything will probably find this dumb but whatever . So I plannned a draft and submit to both of them and got rejected . And all I've wrote is just a mini tea party, kbox and buffet ( seoul garden) ! I mean since no one's planning anything for myself I better love myself and treat myself better , I'll celebrate my existance and presence by myself. I was thinking worst come to worst , I'll just get a small mini cake , bring it back home or just get my ass into someone's house and celebrate it together. I'll probably get those photo cakes , those kind which you can give them yr photo so they can put it on the cake kind. Wow , I'll choose my best edited pix then HAHAHAHA . I promise on that day even though how pathetic it is I won't cry. I always like to plan and wish for something on my bday so people can grant me . And on that particular year I wished for sofee , delores , valencia to go escape w me to play . They just left it hanging there ( Thx guys !!!! Really do love yguys ) . Next year , I received a lot of presents but ater school no one could meet me to celebrate or spend my day w me . This year , I just wished to see the people in my life on that day . This includes val , sofea , my entire clique , kris , june , maur etc etc . And plus , I wished J'son will not give me any chem test pls omg HAHAHAHA if not I'm so not going to turn up .

Closed yr eyes to see what you've been wishing all along
Open yr eyes and realise that everything's just a dream

2009-08-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

Lone
I've been waiting , everything's takin way too long

I know if I probably going to blog this , people who read this will think i'm some spoilt kid . But anything I don't really care anymore . I know I'm not the only one who's stressed over my fucking studies . I could say give me a chance once more or get me the freaking replay button so I'll hit it over and over again till I can't even stop myself , however I know things will not go my way . There are obviously some times when I'm so happy and I could feel as if I'm floating on cloud nine . But c'mon reality is like this , it so cruel and sometimes it hurts you like shit , and I mean like shit .

I can't help but to wonder what my life would be if I could take charge , control and change it . However , there's only one word to think of ' Adapt ' I got to learn to adapt to changes , to live w it , or to even change myself because of it . I know it might sound real stupid , it might sound so childish because its a everyone-kind-of-alr-know-it thing but whatever I'm just trying to rant everything and anything I can rant of.

I'm so pathetic right now that i'm eating whatever I can find from the kitchen . They're sweet potato porridge ( so not sweet ) , and toufu . I just had my tuition from idk since when cause it seemed as if its a million seconds , minutes and hours. My stomach's hurting like crazy and I don't even know why . I FREAKIN WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON W MY BODY LIKE HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GET THROAT INFECTION AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND HOW MY STOMACH IS ALWAYS PAIN . It seemed as if throat infection's my best friend or smt , it always visit me whenever its free and I'm so not pls . Like I hate to remind myself that I'm sitting for olevel this year and I still have my prelims , my mock and everything else. I can't afford to miss out any lesson , any time or anything else . I mean even if I don't go to school I still study and study and read my lit book for leisure. & when you're sick , it is helpless and a total failure . The medicine makes you feel sick , that's the reason why I hate hate hate to take the medicine .

& my family members are so not helping . My sis's the best , she's always the best when everyone else esp when my father is against me . Forever , like hello can they just freaking stop stop stop nagging . Its really too much esp when I'm sick and I can't even defend myself cause there's like no voice . I can still speak but I don't want to shout or anything cause its stupid , in the end I'll feel 1000000000 times worst . They keep saying ok you must rest rest rest rest , HELLO REST WHAT , and omg this one is even better ' stress lah , see stress stress , somemore go swimming and running ' They can't stop ok , just like a broken tape recorder , they just keep going on and on , and the worst thing is , on the same topic . Omg like seriously help me ok , I just need my world to shut up right now . Whenever I feel like shit because of whatever reason and my sister knows it , that's the only time she'll stand up for me to fight back . Yeah ^^^^^ They're really too much , I mean sometimes .

Yknow I think I'm starting to change my habits . Its weird , I hate to eat porridge but I'm liking it now . In fact , I've been eating it or 2 days like for each meal . I hate math , but now I want to do more and more . But obviously , I still love chem and lit and others but I mean its still ... Luckily I don't hate math anymore , I should be thankful .

Ok , I'm done ranting . I'm going to eat my pathetic dinner now and I will stop thinking its pathetic cause I'll think of other people who doesn't even have anything to eat. I will eat my food now . Gdbye , and I still love my family members ( no offence to anyone of them though ) I'm just feeling sucky .

I'm going to listen to my mum and eat the medicine for one more day , if my tummy still ache and everything else , I'm not going to eat it anymore . I mean what kind of stupid side effect is that ? - Stomach pain like gastric ?

2009-08-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a changed person
Its over you and me , darling

I've been resting for 1 and a half days and I feel really sick still . I think it's the medicine seriously , the doc says it will have side effects like yr tummy will feel pain , just like gastric pain . Omg and now I really know how it feels like having gastric ok , and hell yeah it hurts so badly . So next time when someone tells me er if you don't this and that you'll have gastric , I'll totally listen , I promise . Mc's not really good ok , because that would mean you really got to self-study and self-learn some topics and all esp Plane Geo . I think for that chap I'm screwed .

Ok , I'm not going to blog anymore .

To you :
I hope you're feeling ok and all . I mean I know you'll be ok , you probably need some time alone to sort out whatever you've got to sort out esp yr feelings . I really hate to remind you and obviously myself that we are taking the olevels this year but we freakin are so just I mean bear w all these and mug hard first ok . Remember we said that we know we don't usually talk to each other or meet each other every day and all but we know that we'll always be there for each other , somehow ? I hope whenever you're feeling down or anything else , you would look for me . Because I would really like to be there for you , to help you through this period of darkness. However , there's a limit to what I can help you so pls , be strong , for yrself . I love you always , you must remember that . PS : ( I still owe you yr bday present leh , how ? ) HAHAHAHA

Edited :
1) I'm going to shed some weight , this is serious
2) I'm not going to take anymore pixs anymore

2009-08-03T05:04:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA If Kris sees this , she's probably going to kill me for putting up this pix . But HAHAHAHA , we seriously need to talk asap . Thanks or not picking up any of my call , K .

Times like this , I want somebody , anybody ( Omg , freakin' disgustin' )
O well , scare the hell out of me today cause I thought I've h1n1 ok . I've ALL the symptoms , maybe xcept coughing . I visited the doc and everything , I seriously hate all the medicine though it has side effects . I was surprised because I didn't even know I was having a fever until the nurse was like ' Come here girl , take tempt . ' And after she took my tempt she said ' Girl yknow you're having a fever or not. ' I was ' huh really , then what now ? ' She gave me a mask which look so horrible and yeah I wore it , I could literallly feel the air I xhale , and I swear it was so horrible. People shun me as if I've a terminal disease and I felt really awkward , weird as well as ugly . My hair's pinned up to the max ( not the bimbo kind of cause ) , I bet Dr tan was like ' Omg , you look like shit ' . Well its ok though , I just need someone to tell me I'm not a h1n1 positive . Yeap , I'm totally not studying because I can't really absorb anything anyway and I really wonder how am I going to do well for prelims and for my eng tuition oral xam , its the last xam and if I don't do well I'm going to get another scolding , nagging lesson and I don't know what else of crap . So I have throat infection and all , it's so terrible I could barely speak . O well , I think I really miss my voice , I haven't been hearing it since ytd I guess . To think I still hang out ytd w val and sofee and plus I ran 2.4 after meeting them . I thought I was feeling upset about some stufs and in the end , hell no because I was sick ok so uhm hmm .
Ok , I think I really want to get to know you . I want you to help me , I really need some help from you . Pls let me in , right now .
WHEN I RECOVER ...
1) I'm going to talk non-stop
2) I'm going to talk on the phone
3) I'm going to eat Macs
4) I'm going to eat youmian/banmian
5) I'm going to seoul garden
6) I'm going to study
7 ) I'm going to spend a shorter time sleeping ( Its a total waste of my time , I sleep almost 24/7 today )

Ok , and now I'm going to sleep again

2009-08-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

Pls believe me , for once

2009-07-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

Really hate facebk sometimes
I really am envious
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I should be focusing more on my studies and all , can't wait for tmr even though i don't know what the hell to freaking wear ok bye

2009-07-28T08:06:00.001-07:00

Yeah yeah yeah
I hope I'm different

2009-07-26T07:53:00.001-07:00

I need to find my own identity

Thx sofee and val

2009-07-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Green w envy
I'm jealous .
Life ....................... Is ................... Really ............... Unfair ......................... URGHHHHHHHHH , I hate it when people are so damn freaking smart , I hate it when people are so freaking skinny , I hate it when people have hot bods , I hate it when people have big boobs , I hate it when people are so rich , I hate it when people are so popular , I hate it when people are so pretty , because I'm so not .
Aiya , I don't feel like blogging alr because its so sucky everything is so sucky . WHY is it so sucky OMG

2009-07-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

I hate to c the sight of you cause you certainly make me wanna vomit
I really really really hate you so much because whenever you appear infront of me , it would only make me feel really dumb , stupid , disgusting and desperate . I swear I'll never forget the past . And watch yr back ok seriously HAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHA ( ok that sounds really stupid ) . But I really hate yr presence X100000000000000000000000000 cause you're so freakin' disgusting , ok thankyou I officially end my post .

Anw , I think roanna is damn funny . Omg the 'microphone' and 'flying cat' thing is so freakin funny. Omg and guys , beware ok there's a new cat in our school , its orange and white ( OMG , I don't even want to think about it ) ok ok okbyebye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2009-07-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

She keeps , screaming
However , no one can hear her
No one

Sometimes , I really hate to grow up . I hate the ending of my sister's keeper , I cried like fuck . Omg , Anna shouldn't die , seriously. All this while , she has been fighting so hard . However , maybe He thinks that Anna is really tired and she should take a break from everything.

Yeah , breaks are good. I need my break too .

2009-07-18T01:26:00.000-07:00

I'm talking to van online , really do miss her she seemed to be MIA for like about 6 months ??? I still recall what I got from her on Vday , it was shocking but super sweet I swear .
Life's really uncertain , I'm v sure of that . Maybe now I could figure it out why some people want to fly a kite , so that they can take control of it . How does it feels like taking control of something , how does it feels like making a decision , is it very difficult ? What if you make the wrong decision ? What you trip and fell and you lost control of the kite ? What if , what if , what if (s). But usually , I'm the kite , we're the kite we are being controlled . So we hoped , we wished someday we would grow up quickly , so we can make the choices and decisions we want and if we're wrong we'll bear the harsh consequences.
Some questions I really want to ask You , these questions I'm dying to know the answers , and I guess I can never get into You. You simply wouldn't let me in , you wouldn't. And I knew what's the perfect reson , cause if I were You , I wouldn't too . Its probably I would bug you everyday in yr life why are things like this , why am I not as ... as others , why some people are smarter than the others , why some people are so evil , why some people talks non-stop and just won't find themselves irritating , why this , why that , whywhywhy.
I feel annoyed w my bro usually , but I know I love him. He talks non-stop and right now I wish he knows that even though I like to drink milk tea , but I freaking do not care HOW to freaking make the milk tea or the stupid big small miny pearls . I just need some time alone to think to talk to sort out my thoughts as well as my feelings . Times like this , I usually blog it out . I'm not sad , or upset or anything . I'm ok , I'm good but Idk maybe I'm growing up , maybe I'm starting to understand these cliche phrases like ' Life isn't fair' and then I try to make one up on my own like ' Welcome to reality' and all , AHHAAHAHA . I just can't figure out a lot of things and I'm dying for some answers , some hints , some clues . But apparently , I also have to understand that sometimes there's no answers to everything . Then , let's talk about love . I often joked w Sofee if love's like a math problem sum which requires some math formula to solve it , or rather , if life's like math , I'm sure I would fail really badly. And people like megumi , adeline , stacy would definately score an A . On the other hand , people like roanna ( HAHAHA ) would just give up on Math . Just like how I'm struglling with Math , its just the same as how I'm struggling w my life . Normal people won't know , in fact people won't get it , and I sometimes don't get it at all . At some point of time , I do silly things , things which I could barely understand why I did it in the first place. And then , maybe I realise I don't really understand myself , or do I ? I always say and talk and thought I really know what I want for myself and its the right path I'm taking , but really , I think sometimes we all have to ask ourselves this question ' Who am I ' HAHAHA , I guess it sounds like the Jackie Chan movie thing , the ' Who am I ' thing HAHAHAHA its stupid . When I hate to be in this mood , talking about all these silly stupid things which doesn't make any sense at all , I keep asking myself to think about people who are less fortunate as compared to me , and thank God for allowing me here , thank Him for everything he has done for me and to be glad that I'm breathing , smiling , laughing and loved by people.
Only yesterday , I realised that I've this really bad habit . The habit which when I'm serious , when I bother , when I take things seriously , people just don't bother , ignore me completely . And from past xperiences , I hate it a lot so much so I feel stupid and I asked myself why did I even care , why did I even bother when people do not give a damn fuck about you. I recalled last time , things were not this way. Even if people ignored me or want me to go away , as long as I really feel and care for that person , I don't mind being hurt I don't mind doing stupid things I don't mind being irritating even though I feel as if I'm some kind of shit . But things change , people change , changes are inevitable . But sometimes , changes are so scary and you'll feel so lost cause other times you don't even realise you've changed to be another person . And when you realise this drastic change or bahaviour in you , somehow , you don't know how to get the old you back , you don't know where to begin , you don't know what are you now , you don't know anything and everything and that's why feeling lost is so scary and that's why people hate to feel lost. I would know how feeling lost means , it means you want someone to pick you up , guide you along the right way and bring you back on to the right path so you can hit the 'replay' button again. If you're lucky , you'll find that person . If you're not , i wish you gdluck . And that's why I always wish myself gdluck in everything I do.
Yeah whatever , I hate how things are right now . I'm going to make some sushi now and then read my storybk again . And I hope tmr will be gd , fuck what do I really want ?