Monday, September 7, 2009
Temporary
Heyhi everyone , I know it has been long since I actually blog /posted anything . Anw I've to warn you that my laptop is a little cranky ok its actually not my laptop but its the keypad thing its really funny somehow all my letters are missing , letters like f and r totally missing if you don't believe you can see it for yrself later when I type cos yknow I don't like really edit my post after I finished blogging HAHAHAHA This period of time has been really heart wrenching for me , I've survived through a lot of 'this' period of time and somehow I hope I'll never get to see or attend 'this' anymore . It's not at all cool , it's torturing me mentally and physically . And sometimes I feel as if I'm losing myself or I'm crashed totally and it sucks it totally sucks . During this whole period of time when I didn't contact or talk to anyone about this matter at all , I've really been through a lot . It seemed as though i've learned a lot of things and gained experiences as well as exposure . Humans , are really interesting . Sometimes I ponder its better being dead becos you wouldn't be able to feel anymore becos you wouldn't be able to face such harsh and cruel reality and that could literally kill me . Before the day he passed away , he didn't tell me anything he didn't even have a chance to talk to me , he didn't even know I was there watching him from a safe distance , glancing at him through a glass panel . Like any other drama , its probably the time for people like me to place my hands or palms on the glass panel and break down into tears and sob and wail loudly . However , I didn't and I couldn't bring myself to . Becos I know it will hurt him even more to see me in this pathetic state so I held back my tears and utter the last word I could not even forget - ' gong' . From the day I was born , I called him 'gonggong ' I greeted him w utmost respect and has always admired him . It was not easy for someone back then to raise 7 kids , it was not easy at all for him to scrimp and save money to feed his children , it was difficult for him to search for jobs and to even to be willing to do anything in order to feed his 7 kids . My mother was one of them . Instead I've made a mistake , it's supposedly 8 of them . My mum said she used to have a sister but she met w some kind of accident and saying smt that got to do w her eye . And I didn't ask much ever since becos I know it hurts her. My mother was born in a v poor family but she received a proper education and was happy even though she was poor . If you give her another chance to choose if she would rather be born in a very wealthy family but she's the only child , I would say that my mother would still choose to live her life as a farmer's daughter , someone who could not afford to wear new clothes every chinese new year , someone who is so real and genuine when she receives anything just anything from anyone . Becos that was how she's brought up , and that's becos my grandfather said that even if they're poor , so what ? It doesn't matter at all . And thus , all of them lead a tough hard and difficult life , but they were all happy . They would joke about their childhood days , how they earn extra money by helping people to pick the chicken's egg , how they would actually fight becos of silly and childish stuffs and how they would love each other no matter what happen . My grandfather has indeed taught them well . On the first day , I saw many many people . We welcomed gong once he has arrived and when he did , many cried. It was then my job and everyone's duties started . It was also my only 7 days spent w him or to see him . I could not forget the entire setting , the place , the duties I'm supposed to do or to even help to do becos it all had become a normal routine for me . For me to go up to people I've never seen before and call them names in which my mother instucted me to , it was also normal for me to arrange the chairs and tables in a neat manner and made sure there's a plate of different seeds , red threads , peanuts and sweets on the table . Everything was such a blur , time seemed to be passng really fast and before I know it night falls and I didn't want to go up to sleep. Its not becos I'm fussy , spoilt or whatever I just don't want to leave him I just want to stand by his side and feel his presence stronger than ever. I stay awake for most of the nights and watch the fearful cat going in and out of place , I swear its so annoying ok esp black ones like wth are you doing here . But the best thing about staying up late is that you could spend a lot of precious time w yr cousins or people who are so dear to you . They're real fun to be w . However , there were a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings among many people . Whatever I don't wish to say anything about it becos I don't think I should and this matter is really wasting my time if I actually think about it or whatever . And the last day was tormenting , I witnessed the remaining of his shattered bones while I picked up the biggest piece to be placed in the temple . And that I hope he'll remain in peace , and that I hope he'll always remember me in his heart and that I hope to tell my children and my grandchilden or my great grand children about my grandfather. I realised after eveything is over or at least slightly over how many of us still can't get over him still can't get over this still can't let him go . I know I should let him go , but I can't I can't bear to not see him sitting on his green armchair whenever I come to visit him . Ok I really don't know what am I actually blogging but whatever . I really don't know why but times like this I yearn for yr company more , I want to speak to you so badly , I want to just hear yr voice and that I know everything would be fine and alright . But its ok , I mean what to do such things always happen to me . Am I too blind or do I not realise yr existance earlier ? Have I not made my stand or myself clear or have I choose to ignore my true feelings and still go for what I desire ? Have I treated you as someone who I would only turn to whenever I'm feeling down or in some kind of trouble ? Do I need you , right now or forever ? Wait a min , nothing lasts forever . And that's why I'm not doing anything . Lastly , I would like to thank everyone who has been here for me o rather always here for me . People like BB HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I can't bring myself to say ' I love you ' to you but I would like to say thanks from the bottom of my heart to you .
One of those nights.
8:03 AM
