Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Bittersweet
I really should not be blogging right now because I still got to study for a lot o papers
eg lit paper 1
tmr which consists of
TKMB as well as unseen prose and poetry. I'm not really scared for lit tmr as you can see I'm rather relax . I think there's no one really online or their status is busy as there's bio paper 2 and lit paper 1 tmr , that xplains why. Yknow I kind of think that having major exams / prelims are actually good / useful / effective . I'm beginning to like it more and more . I love it when you're done w the paper and you could say goodbye to the classroom and walk out o it immediately . Its cool , isn't it ? I think we should have prelims like what every 2 weeks , I'm just suggesting . I mean at least it really made us to glue our ass on our chair to memorise and to study .
However I swear that i'm going to screw up my prelims this time round . I know I always say that , but its true . I think I'm going to screw up every paper be it whatever exam it is . Esp for chem . Its so stupid , how can I be so blind to leave a freaking 4 marks question OMG , I didn't even know I left it out until daph and ro were talking about it . Like hello , I know 4 marks is not a lot but ok to me its a lot . For some reasons , I think I'm going to keep all my marks to myself this time round which means I'm not going to bother about how others score and I'm not going to tell others my ugly scores . I mean come on , eng is alr screwed , math is even worse ( paper 2 kills ) and let's not talk about amath seriously because a min C6 and above is just insane , I think I'll really comfort myself even if I get a what f9 so good luck to me . I thought of skipping Amath paper this time round because anw I'm bound to fail . But its ok , I must be ' brave ' ???? Since I've alr took the subject , let's see how badly I can do . I'll still try my best but whatever it is , just let it be whatever it is ( HAHAHAHHAHAHA ) I think i'm really starting to like to study or look at my books , its cool like you recap everything you've been learning for the past dk how many years , go for the freaking damn exam and see how badly you'll do , how sucky you are , how lousy grades you can get . I know after olevels , my life'll seriously change . I predict what my life is going to be if I'm staying in S'pore . In actual fact , I think I'm going to stay in S'pore even though my aunty is asking us like where are we going or where do we want to go after my olevels . I wouldn't mind actually going to other countries w my family or my cousins esp melina because I would really want to spend some time w her . I picture us laughing when we get into our hotel rooms ( for dk what reasons , seriously ) and how I will not bathe unless she's in the same toilet I mean same toilet cubicle as me . That means she'll get to hear my shit dropping or to listen to all my rantings when I'm bathing . Its so weird and scary esp in hotel rooms ok , a lot of things happen . Just watch some scary movies and you'll realised what I'm talking about . Anw , I think I was feeling really cranky today thus I ignored a lot of people when they call me . I didn't really feel like answering them even though I think I heard them calling me . I know I'm being such a bitch and all , but I can't help me . All I need is some peace and tranquility before my exams esp when I'm feeling to vexed and nervous about it , I guess people should just leave me alone . I felt really bad towards Simswen and Jolene esp cause yeah sorry if I replied you in that kind of tone . I still remember Simswen asked me if I have any strings or not or smt , then I was like ' What , I thought I gave you alr ' Yeah I remembered saying 'what' a lot of people .
Ok omg I'm feeling damn it pissed , annoyed and mad right now . My damn bro just pointed his freaking middle finger at me I got so mad when I see it I swear I even had the thought of plucking his finger out using any or whatever equipment . When I'm angry ( mostly towards my bro ) I really see / feel a resemblence between my father and I when he scolds me everytime or rather mostly last time . I tried to fight the anger by asking myself to calm/ cool down but cannot I usually can't I would just burst out screaming at my bro or threathening him by all those threats I can think of right on the spot. And now , I realised how much my bro would have hate me right now , just like how last time I used to hate my dad for scolding me shouting at me and all . Whatever it is , I know its my duty as a sister to teach him well . So I guess I don't really bother about him hating me , is this how my father felt last time too ? Those kind of even though yknow that person is going to hate you or not talk to you but because you love and care too much so you're freaking bothered and all . I mean if a unknown kid was to point his damn bloody fingers at me , I would have be really bitchy , telling his mum or whoever or to even scold him and make sure tears would come out from his eyes . I certainly wouldn't stop scolding or talking to him if I don't see tears . Tears represent a lot of things , esp sadness or guilt . And the only evidence is a kid crying , kid knows nothing about trying to control its tears or to fake tears for some purposes so its true . What got me real mad is when I hate it when my bro treats my sis like a freaking maid / servant or rather treats himself like a big king . Sorry to say but he's so not . That's why he never fails to bully my sis always asking her to do things for her and never say thank you and pls. I hate it so damn much but my sis would say ' Aiya nevermind lah , its ok one ' What is it to be ok about , I know I sound really like ms pissy , ms mind-everyone's-business , bossy , petty person but seriously what I'm going to say is if he's not my bro , I would not bother and I would just treat it as that person is ill-mannered and all . It scares me so much like wth is young kids learning , my bro is only p1 , p1 ok and he knows how to point a middle finger when he's mad . Then what about p2 ? Learning how to say the f word under circumstances , then what about p3 , joinging a gang , then p4 ? Learning how to smoke , then what about p5 , get into serious gang fights and finally p6 o he'll get a job like smuggling drugs . Like hello , its so scary , maybe its the age gap or maybe its a neighbourhood thing or maybe its just the damn friends he mix w . But I can't help worrying and I am really paranoid . I mean like hello , I only used the word 'stupid' when I'm p3 , I could still remember how and why I've learned it . But I shall not go into that . And just now when he told my mum ' what the hell ' I know he learned that from my sis and me , I told him not to use it on my mum because we don't . I asked him why he used it , he said it makes him feel happier and better when he's mad . I nearly fainted . I explained to him a whole lot of crap like in the whole big entire world , we can do the most craziest thing except treating our mother really bad , she's everything to me . At least to me . I mean ask yrself what can you do without yr mum , and yeah you got yr answer . I was trying real hard not to lose my cool but I did in the end , I ended up screaming shouting nearly fighting w my bro . Should I thank myself for lifting weights last time , that's why I always win . No I should not , hello thanks to lifting weights , I've big broad fat shoulders and arms , whatever you call it . I think i'm starting to blog nonsense cause I'm stilll really mad and angry . And now my bro is telling my mother the middle finger acts like a gun , yeah gun . I'm a 16-year-old , does he even know that ? I may not know everything , but I do know that was a middle finger .
Whatever it is , I'm so pissed right now I think I can swallow a cow to control this anger in me . And I'm going to end my post right now . Gdbye
One of those nights.
4:57 AM
