Saturday, July 18, 2009
I'm talking to van online , really do miss her she seemed to be MIA for like about 6 months ??? I still recall what I got from her on Vday , it was shocking but super sweet I swear .
Life's really uncertain , I'm v sure of that . Maybe now I could figure it out why some people want to fly a kite , so that they can take control of it . How does it feels like taking control of something , how does it feels like making a decision , is it very difficult ? What if you make the wrong decision ? What you trip and fell and you lost control of the kite ? What if , what if , what if (s). But usually , I'm the kite , we're the kite we are being controlled . So we hoped , we wished someday we would grow up quickly , so we can make the choices and decisions we want and if we're wrong we'll bear the harsh consequences.
Some questions I really want to ask You , these questions I'm dying to know the answers , and I guess I can never get into You. You simply wouldn't let me in , you wouldn't. And I knew what's the perfect reson , cause if I were You , I wouldn't too . Its probably I would bug you everyday in yr life why are things like this , why am I not as ... as others , why some people are smarter than the others , why some people are so evil , why some people talks non-stop and just won't find themselves irritating , why this , why that , whywhywhy.
I feel annoyed w my bro usually , but I know I love him. He talks non-stop and right now I wish he knows that even though I like to drink milk tea , but I freaking do not care HOW to freaking make the milk tea or the stupid big small miny pearls . I just need some time alone to think to talk to sort out my thoughts as well as my feelings . Times like this , I usually blog it out . I'm not sad , or upset or anything . I'm ok , I'm good but Idk maybe I'm growing up , maybe I'm starting to understand these cliche phrases like ' Life isn't fair' and then I try to make one up on my own like ' Welcome to reality' and all , AHHAAHAHA . I just can't figure out a lot of things and I'm dying for some answers , some hints , some clues . But apparently , I also have to understand that sometimes there's no answers to everything . Then , let's talk about love . I often joked w Sofee if love's like a math problem sum which requires some math formula to solve it , or rather , if life's like math , I'm sure I would fail really badly. And people like megumi , adeline , stacy would definately score an A . On the other hand , people like roanna ( HAHAHA ) would just give up on Math . Just like how I'm struglling with Math , its just the same as how I'm struggling w my life . Normal people won't know , in fact people won't get it , and I sometimes don't get it at all . At some point of time , I do silly things , things which I could barely understand why I did it in the first place. And then , maybe I realise I don't really understand myself , or do I ? I always say and talk and thought I really know what I want for myself and its the right path I'm taking , but really , I think sometimes we all have to ask ourselves this question ' Who am I ' HAHAHA , I guess it sounds like the Jackie Chan movie thing , the ' Who am I ' thing HAHAHAHA its stupid . When I hate to be in this mood , talking about all these silly stupid things which doesn't make any sense at all , I keep asking myself to think about people who are less fortunate as compared to me , and thank God for allowing me here , thank Him for everything he has done for me and to be glad that I'm breathing , smiling , laughing and loved by people.
Only yesterday , I realised that I've this really bad habit . The habit which when I'm serious , when I bother , when I take things seriously , people just don't bother , ignore me completely . And from past xperiences , I hate it a lot so much so I feel stupid and I asked myself why did I even care , why did I even bother when people do not give a damn fuck about you. I recalled last time , things were not this way. Even if people ignored me or want me to go away , as long as I really feel and care for that person , I don't mind being hurt I don't mind doing stupid things I don't mind being irritating even though I feel as if I'm some kind of shit . But things change , people change , changes are inevitable . But sometimes , changes are so scary and you'll feel so lost cause other times you don't even realise you've changed to be another person . And when you realise this drastic change or bahaviour in you , somehow , you don't know how to get the old you back , you don't know where to begin , you don't know what are you now , you don't know anything and everything and that's why feeling lost is so scary and that's why people hate to feel lost. I would know how feeling lost means , it means you want someone to pick you up , guide you along the right way and bring you back on to the right path so you can hit the 'replay' button again. If you're lucky , you'll find that person . If you're not , i wish you gdluck . And that's why I always wish myself gdluck in everything I do.
Yeah whatever , I hate how things are right now . I'm going to make some sushi now and then read my storybk again . And I hope tmr will be gd , fuck what do I really want ?
One of those nights.
1:26 AM
