Friday, May 15, 2009
I really want to study today , but I don't think I am .
Somehow or rather , I'm losing interest in everything , xcept you
Why do I feel as if I'm really gross + cheesy = me . Whatever I can't be bothered , June's camel story is still in my head .
I told myself that I only have 3 days to play like crazy , which officially starts from monday onwards . And I seriously can't wait , after 3 days I'm goanna mug v hard for chinese xam . I guess I'm going to tell myself I only have one chance to make it or not , I don't want to re-take . I can't imagine how would I feel if I get back a C5 or C6 , I'm not being unrealistic , it happened before to my sister . Its like really hard for her to convince herself and all again , then what about me , its kinda impossible to do that . I hate falling down , I don't want to pick myself up again , or let's say Idk how to do it . Its so xactly how I'm feeling right now or probably v long time ago or probably just recently .
What happen to me ? Idk , as long as I can remember , I'm losing myself gradually . I only feel myself when I'm w like sofea , roanna , stacy , kris , june , J etc . I really feel that I've changed , that's probably why I kinda of isolate myself more and more. Idk , maybe that's really gd , I need some time alone to think of what I really want , and think about myself . I used to think that I know everything , I used to be so confident in myself , I used to know where I'm getting at , and what I want to get in the end , and obviously usually I would get it . But I guess there would be somethings you'll never be able to get it or get rid of it . One's hurt , the other one is love . Life's never great , I guess . I hope /wish sometimes I'm some hippo in the zoo or smt , then I mean like I know what kind of life I would lead forever , and now I feel so lost because I don't know what's going on w my life , I don't know what's wrong . I feel so hopeless , so desperate , so uncertain , so dead . And I think I'm starting everything again , I want to tire myself easily so I don't cry at night to make myself go to bed , I want to run as much and as fast as possible cause I really hope I could run away from reality which I obviously don't think so , I want to dance as much as I can cause I really dk how to xpress how I'm feeling . In the first place , I don't even know how I'm feeling . I just know I feel so bitter . Teevee is not helping at all , calling my friends to chat seemed to be not interesting alr , I don't know what interests me . Probably you ( yucks , that's so gross ) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This is probaby why everyone hate changes , because the change here is really fast . I mean I didn't lose anything , but I know I'm losing myself all because of you . I think I've changed a lot , really . Esp , how I treat love and all . HAHAHA that reminds me how I was such a bitch last time omg go ask kristy and maureen HAHAHAHA . But I don't think its goanna happen anymore / again , I'm too afraid of idk what xactly . But idk , I'm not ready .
Although Idk how to differentiate what's infatuation , like and love . But Idc , its just this special feeling . I seemed to act differently infront of you , I seemed to be different . But it doesn't make a difference , I would bury this feeling in my heart . I know I shouldn't be doing this , my friend thinks that I'm alr giving up when there's no battle and thus I'll not win HAHAHA wth right !!!!!! but I know that's true , I'm really giving up . I need to protect myself , I don't want to get hurt from you unknowingly . Sorry , maybe you're trying and all but when i'm ready I would probably learn how to fight for what I want. Right now , there's a lot of people liking you so I think they're really brave for fighting for what they want , so gdluck HAHAHAHA
Ok , after I typed this post . I'm goanna end everything that means throwing my phone away for quite some time , not coming online often , going to run and swim almost everyday . As for dance , I'm going to kiv it for some time now , until after chinese olevel I guess .
Ps : So if I don't reply yr msges and all , sorry .
Anw , eh who wanna go out w me for the next 3 day(s) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hurry tell me now now now now , I wanna catch all the movies and all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna take a lot of pictures , hang out till really late at night and laugh till I probably die of laughter .
Ok , as for now I can't control my feelings towards you , I can't control myself from not thinking of you but I'm going to at least try.
Study , bks , out , study , study , study , run , swim swim swim , songs , songs , songs
One of those nights.
6:59 PM
